150 ways to annoy Lucuis Malfoy
by BigBlackEyes
Summary: If you want to annoy Lucius Malfoy read this. If you want to start now here are some possible suggestions: Call him Lucy... Put itching powder in his underwear
1. Call him Lucy

**_Hey I hope you guys will like and it is funny._**

**1. Call him Lucy**

He was sitting there singing along to the television. He wasn't very good. I _swear _he has broken at _least_ 3 wine glasses already. I giggled loudly. He looked at me angrily. I grinned cunningly. Hehe. I felt like being cheeky. As always. He does not know what's in store for _him._

"Hey _Lucy!" _I yelled right in his face. He was watching Wizard Idol. Terrible judges if you ask me and there's one who's a right… Anyway.

"What did you call me?" he snarled

" Lucy. I mean you really look like a girl. I thought you were for a minute with the hair and everything Lucy." I grinned holding my girlie giggles back but one escaped. All right _maybe_ two.

His face looked annoyed, then it turned into anger. Hehe It was working!

"If you call me that one more time you shall feel my wrath!" He attempted to sound menacing, but failed dreadfully, he sounded like he had a bad cold.

"Oh what ya going to do to _me?_ Strangle me with your hair? I mean you could if you wanted to but I wouldn't advise it. God I thought you had some sense Lucy apparently not." I was a giggling heap by this time and I had to lean on the coffee table for support.

He jumped up like the couch was scalding him and reached for his rear pocket where he kept his wand but keeping it in his pocket. His face turned a shade of purple that Vernon Dursely would be proud of.

To wind him up more. I decided to carry on. " Ooooooooh! Ickle Lucy's having a hissy-fit like an ickle girlie! AWWWWWWW!" Hehe.

That REALLY did it he flung out his wand and screeched " Rictumsempra!"

I dodged out of the way. My weakness: being tickled.

This made him even MORE angry if that was possible.

"CRUCIO!" He screamed loud enough to bring up a lung.

"EEEPPPPPPPPPPP!" Mercifully I dodged and missed by and _inch_!

"AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!" He yelled. The spells obviously didn't do it for him. He threw his wand forcefully onto the floor and started chasing me across the room.

Hands out stretched ready to throttle me. It looked HILARIOUS whenever I looked around. I laughed hysterically now unable to let them be my girlie giggles.

" I'll get you now JENNIFER! HAHAHA!" He started screaming like a madman although he already was one. Though one thing pissed me off, he called me Jennifer. I was going to get him now.

" I'm not called _Jennifer _it's _Jenny_!" By that time I was at my room. I quickly opened the door and shut it in his face. Literally. I heard the crunch and the "oooh that _HURT" _

I snickered in my room. Unfortuantely he heard.

"JJJEEENNNYYY!"

Well at least he respected my name.

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**_Love From (not in a lez way)_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**


	2. Shave off his Hair

**_Hey again. PLz reveiw and tell me if it is funny. Enjoy! This chapter is dedicated to Cullenclanluvr-1 and Heartlandlover95. Hope you guys like._**

** off his hair**

"_Snore! Snore!" _Hehe he _snores. _I needed _extreme _self-control to make sure I didn't laugh.

I reached into my lilac robes and pulled out and hair shaver. One with the sharpest edge I could find.

"Say bye bye to your hair Lucy!" I managed to get out quietly between giggling fits because of what I was planning to do.

I switched on the shaver and it made a soft humming sound. I moved to his bed and started shearing of his entire bum – length hair. After a while Lucy started sucking his _thumb_. I put my head in my hand to stop my high giggles.

When I was finished I picked up all his hair from the floor and threw it in threw it in the bin barely able to keep my ribs in tact as I was holding in so much laughing.

I _extremely slowly _calmed down and went to bed wandering what to expect in the morning.

The next morning…

I got up bright and early and went down to breakfast planning what to do to Lucy when he came in.

He looked FRIGHTFULLY FUNNY. He could've joined a circus. His new hairstyle had very little hair and more bald shiny scalp. We all started laughing but me by _far _the loudest.

"BAHAHAHAHA!"

He sat down looking annoyed but he made nothing of it. _Weird. _He started eating in silence but occasionally he would mutter " They tried to kill me in my sleep. It's not fair for them to laugh."

Then the traitor Bellatrix came in hanging onto the arm of Lord Voldermort smiling at him in a way that nearly made me sick. She came down the stairs ready to announce Voldermort coming to have his breakfast when she gave an almighty yelp and whacked Lucy on his baldhead.

"Lucius Malfoy what the HELL have you done to all your HAIR!"

"You witch nothing is wrong with it" he sneered

"BAHAHA!" I laughed in between

"Shut up you beast" Lucius ordered

He stared at Bellatrix started patted his head. When he only felt clumps. He looked like he was in horror. His hands trailing down hid back and then he stopped at his bum. At every pat he looked like was in more horror. When he got to his bum he jumped up and went to find a mirror. When he did we heard a big girlie scream, which I responded to "BAHAHAH!"

He thumped down the stairs. Everyone except me looked scared. I tried hard to keep a straight face as he finally got down. His face looked ready to burst with anger.

He looked at everyone and then stopped at me.

"It was YOU!" He accused looking at me.

I laughed girlishly and unwisely. He got up and rugby tackled me. I was as angry as hell when he did that so I kicked him where the sun don't shine.

"Ooooh!" he said weakly doubling over.

"YEAH!" I said proudly. Then I started laughing as I walked away

"BAHAHAH! You are SO weak Lucy!"

He was too much in pain to punish me _and_ he didn't have a wand, all he could do was yell "JJJEEENNNYYY!"

Hehe.

_**Please PLease reveiw! All you have to do is press a button and write some words. Thanks!**_

**_Love From _**

**_BigBlackEyes_**


	3. Put itching powder in his underwear

**_Hiya again! I just wanna say something I got 109 hits and NO reviews! C'mon guys! Anyway Hope you like this one_**

**Put Itching Powder in his underwear**

Hehe! Guess what _I _got! I got a one of a kind itching powder from Weasley Wizard Wheezes. To think it only cost a sickle! It said it would raise welts the size of pinballs when applied. I knew just what I was going to do! Oooh Lucius Malfoy will be MAD!

He had just gone out to the ministry of magic so I knew it was the perfect time. I crept into his room while Cissy was cooing over Draco. His room was _disgustingingly tidy._ It made me wretch. I also found a teddy bear where Lucius sleeps! _Hmmmmm…_

I went to his under wear draw. He had labeled it. I then got out my itching powder and got reluctantly got the nearest underwear and poured the whole contents of the bottle in. It some how dissolved into the material so it couldn't be seen.

I started walking downstairs when the door slammed. YAY! He was home. Time for comedy. He was in a good mood for some reason so he went upstairs and in the middle of it he snogged Cissy for like minutes. EWWW!

"Get a room!"

"No I'll snog my wife when I want!"

Cissy was red with pleasure.

He finished walking up the stairs and then came and sat down with Cissy on his lap.

About 2 minutes later he started scratching his but in a most disgusting way.

"EEEEPPPP!" He screamed hopping up and tossing Cissy on the floor. She looked ready to KILL.

"Someone man the hoses! Quickly there's a fire in my buttock! Don't laugh! My buts BURNING!"

"BAHAHA!" I laughed like everyone else watching Lucy dementedly scratch his buttock

I then got such a good idea that a light bulb should have been above my head. I ran to the kitchen and got a jug full of water and ran back and threw it at him so he was soaking wet…. _Everywhere._ He looked so funny and demented I couldn't help laughing, totally giving the game away. He turned around and still scratching his but he screeched.

"THE FIRES NOT GONE YOU FUDGING IDIOT!"

"So what it was just a bit of itching powder and water you wussy wus."

He advanced towards me. He was 1 step away when we heard an almighty whack across Lucy's face.

"THAT'S FOR DROPPING ME YOU BUT SCRATCHING BASTARD!"

"Bu-but-but um"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"YEAH GO CISSY!" We all yelled

She blushed with pleasure and left but not before slapping Lucy on the other cheek. He stared dumbfounded for a minute and then turned to me.

"Yeah, yeah we'll have to go through the whole JJEENNNYY thing again so I'll make it easier" I started pointing my wand at him and before he could react I screamed "_LEVICORPUS!"_

I walked away as he was suspended in mid air. I then heard a familiar voice come from the ceiling.

"JJJEEENNYY!"

I guess he did have to say it. Well scream it.

_**Review Reveiw! Please? Pretty please wqith cherries and sprinkle?**_

**_Love_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**


	4. Steal his teddy

**_Thank you so much for reading but I have 114 reveiws and not many reveiws._**

**Steal his teddy**

He was going to dinner I planned on escorting him down so he would not suspect a thing. It made me want to throw up. I think I nearly did at one point.

"What do you want you beast?" he sneered

"To escort you to your dinner Lucius." I said politely. He looked surprised but happy

"OK then"

I took him trying to ignore the gawps and Bella say

"Watch out Cissy she'll take him if you're not careful" she glared at me.

As soon as he sat down I ran like hell knowing he eats bloody fast.

_Flash back:_

"_Gulp." It had only been 5 minutes and he had finished 2 servings_

"_That was a good nosh!" he said tiredly rubbing his ballooned tummy._

"_Bloody hell Lucy you look like your going to have baby!"_

End flashback

Yeah that didn't end nicely. I got into a full body bind curse. I walked into his room. His pajamas were on the bed. They were care bears!

"BAHAHA!"

Luckily they didn't hear me! I crept around to his side of the bed and picked up his little teddy bear: Mr. Evil Wickimms. Pathetic!

Anyway I went and took it and stuffed it in one of my empty and then I put it under a disillusion charm. I waited in my room playing with my wand until I heard Lucius come in. I looked through the window separating our rooms. This was to good to miss.

I pulled the curtain while he changed but after that I watched him like a hawk.

He got into his bed and reached for his bear but he wasn't there obviously. He started reaching everywhere searching for him. He got so frustrated he pulled of the covers and searched there but nothing was to be found but a bloody annoyed Cissy.

I laughed hard out behind the window watching Lucy.

"BAHAHAHA!"

He was now in the hall.

"EVERYONE COME OUT I HAVE SOME WORRYING NEWS!" Everyone thought it was news from the dark lord except for Cissy and me so we all got out into the hall.

"What is it Lucius?" Bellatrix said worriedly. She loved the dark lord. It sickened me

"MY TEDDY'S GONE EVERYONE LOOK!"

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!"

"BAHAHAHAH!"

He was so angry he stalked into the nearest room. My room. Crap!

When I went in I saw him looking in my bins until he felt his teddy. Oh No! He lifted the charm and his face turned a navy blue with a tinge of red because he had just realized he had embarrassed himself badly.

"YOU EVIL SQUIRT OF A PERSON. YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS. OH YES YOU SHALL. NO ONE SHALL STOP ME!"

He started running down the hall in a demented fashion until the dark lord came out.

"LUCIUS! You look like a mad man. Stop chasing that young lady get your fat but to bed. And you to girl!" I was very lucky I didn't get shouted at. I was laughing like mad.

"BAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

Lucy turned beet red. He started walking back but he carried out the tradition

"JJJEEENNNYY!"

_**Review Review! Please? Your efforts will be praised! Literally I am not joking**_

**_Love_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**


	5. Scribble over his dark mark

_******Hi again! Hope you like the chapter. **_

_**Scribble over his dark mark**_

"Hey Lucius! I have good news for you! Voldemort said that because I am your personal assistant I need to inspect your dark mark! Pull your cloak up Luce!"

"I don't recall hiring you."

"Well you did so shut UP!"

Surprisingly he did so I got out my best pink pen and started drawing on his dark mark. I started with hearts with Bella in them and then broken ones with Cissy in them.

"BAHAHAHAH!" I muttered under my breath.

"What are you doing Jenny, it tickles!"

"None of your baggy business now go back to SLEEP!"

Then I colored the dark mark in pink and then in a deep red I wrote in huge letters I wrote:

HARRY POTTER IS THE GREATEST! I LOVE HIM! HE IS MUCH BETTER THAN THAT DUMB DUMB VOLDEMORT! I WANT LEAVE AND JOIN HIM LOOK FOR THE HORCRUXES I WANNA KILL VOLDIE!

"There Lucy I'm done!" I said proudly putting down his sleeve just when Voldemort walked well marched into the room.

"Well my death eater scums come along. I want to inspect your dark marks!"

Lucius ran up thinking his one would be the best after my little inspection! Boy is he wrong!

He proudly pulled up his sleeve.

"WHAT IN THE NAME SNAPES SHAMPOO IS _THIS!_"

"W-h-h-at sir?" stuttered Lucy obviously scared.

"Please read out loud what is one that mark"

"Ummm Harry Potter is the greatest! I love him! He is much better than that Dumb Dumb Voldemort! I want to leave and join him look for the Horcruxes I wanna kill Voldie… NO! I never wrote that!"

By this time Cissy was beside him and had seen the broken hearts.

"WHAT THE HELL! YOU HIPPY! YOU IDIOT! YOU… CAN'T THINK OF A BAD ENOUGH WORD! BUT YOU ARE IN FOR IT!

She kicked everywhere she could reach and then stormed of with Bella on her heel.

"HOLY HELL JENNY YOU ARE IN FOR IT! CRUCIO!" yelled Lucy.

"EPPPPPP!" I dodged and ran like hell but I didn't need to. Voldie had him under a firm grip. He was throttling him.

"THIS IS FOR LOVING THAT SCARRED IDIOT YOU MONGREL! I THOUGHT YOU WERE LOYAL BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT! YOU LONG HAIRED ASS! YOU SHOULD ROT IN HELL!"

"J-J-J-E-E-E-N-N-N-Y-Y-Y!" He gasped through Voldie's grip.

"BYE! SHOUT IF YOU SURVIVE! HOPE YOU DON'T THOUGH!"

"GAG! J-J-JE-E-E-N-N-N-Y-Y-Y!"

"I HEARD THE FIRST TIME! BYE LUCY!"

With that I left with a great big grin plastered onto my face.

_**REVEIW! Please? You will be praised and I mean it!**_

**_Love_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_xoxox_**


	6. Give him a makeover

**_Plz guys reveiw! I have only had 4 and 308 reveiws! Anyway enjoy this one!_**

**Give him a makeover**

Lucy had just walked out of Voldermort's yucky, smelly, black office when I practically jumped onto him. (I shuddered at the thought but it had to be done.)

" What do you want you stupid little girl." He sneered at me. He obviously remembered my _earlier _antics with him.

"Nothing Lucius." I said in the little girly voice

" Then why are you here?" he asked quite rudely

" Well I didn't wanna say it but YOU HAVE THE WORST WRINKLES I HAVE EVER SEEN AND I WILL CURE THEM IF IT THE LAST THING I DOODOO!"

"The last thing you doodoo? You are SICK!" But while say this he touched his face subconsciously.

I then carted him off to my room.

"Sit down here Lucius and relax and go to sleep otherwise IT WON'T AND I REAPEAT WON'T WORK!"

He hastily got seated and closed his eyes so I got out my makeup kit and got to work.

Of course I didn't remove his wrinkles! I gave him a makeover and a good one if I say so myself! I applied some sparkly pink eye shadow, some foundation, lots of red and pink blusher. I put lots of mascara and eyeliner on and then some lip liner. I then finished with a dark pink lipstick and some clear lip-gloss on top to make his lips look glossy. I took on good look at him and cracked up with silent laughter. He looked so much like a girly girl! He looked like a girl that had just gushed over some makeup! He looked even more like a girl! It was just SO funny!

I then removed my mirror from the stand in front of him so he couldn't see himself and then told him to open his eyes.

"RISE AND SHINE LUCIUS LETS SHOW EVERYONE YOUR NEW YOUNG FACE!"

"Can't I see myself first?" He asked eagerly

"NOOOO! It's against the rules! Everybody has to look first before you can!"

"Fine" he grumbled

I lead him downstairs where I told everyone to wait. I bought him down and everybody immediately started laughing.

"BAHAHAHAHA! Well Lucy I guess Jenny was right you are a girl!" Voldie choked out.

I was gob smacked he would say that

"YEAH _LUCY!" _Everyone screamed

"WHAT YOU GUYS ARE SAYING IT TOO! ARRRGGGHH!"

"BAHAHA!" Everyone screamed (including me!), as Lucy just stood there, confused.

"WHAT IN THE NAME SLAZAR SLYTHERIN AND ALL THINGS MAGIC ARE YOU IDIOTS SCREECHING ABOUT?"

Then that stupid warty traitor Bella broke in.

"Here Lucy." She stumbled out shoving her compact mirror in his face. Lucy grabbed and took 1 long look at his face. He started blushing so deeply the blusher I had put on him was soon unnecessary.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLINS BAGGY BOXER SHORTS HAVE YOU DONE TO ME YOU STUPID SO CALLED MAKEOVER ARTIST!" He was looking at me with his wand in his hand. I started running and got some cream from the kitchen and ran back to the living room.

I quickly screamed "_AGUAMENTI!"_ With my wand towards him. He got squirted with water and looked funnier than ever because he wasn't wearing waterproof makeup.

"BAHAHAHA!" Everyone cracked up as I advanced to him with my cream platter.

SQUELCH! That was the sound of it going right in his stupid face!

"JJJEEENNNYY!" He screamed running after me but tripping over the table. He fell over comically.

"BAHAHAHA!" I laughed with everyone else.

I ran up to my room and stayed there for the rest of the day with everyone else you came. We were all laughing and leaning over each other and scared that are ribs make crack. We heard Lucius stumbling in the living room swearing and screaming my name angrily like this:

"JJJEENNY! YOU FLOPPY WANDED DEMENTOR BUGGERER!"

The best day so far in my opinion.

_**Review Review!**_

**_Plz?_**

**_Thanks!_**

**_All you have to do is press a button and type some nice words!_**

**_Love_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_xoxoxoxoxoxox_**


	7. Put Frogspawn in his Breakfast

**_Hiya! Srry I haven't updated in a while. I have been SO busy with homework. What are they trying to do at school? Kill us? Anyway PLEASE reveiw and enjoy this chappie!_**

**Put frogspawn in his breakfast**

We were all sitting in at the round dining table for breakfast. We were just waiting for Lucius and Voldie. You know I always found him creepy…. I only came here to annoy Lucius you know. I started giggling uncontrollably as I got the frogspawn out of my pocket. Every chair had a bowl of cereal in front of it and everyone had a spot. Unfortuantely for Lucius his spot was by me. I took of the lid of the frogspawn and poured the whole contents into his cereal.

Everyone was looking at me and there faces were shining. Hmmmmm I think everyone wants to torture Lucy now. YAY! I quickly scooped some more cereal in his bowl, put some milk in it and then I stirred it around till you couldn't see the frogspawn.

All of us had cracked up with silent laughter until we heard Lucius and the Voldie thump down the stairs.

"And now presenting our brave and strong leader…. The Dark Lord!" Lucius screamed as usual as they came downstairs.

We all clapped unenthusiastically.

"Whoooooh!" I mocked making Lucy sneer at me.

Bella was telling Voldie something. Probably what I had just done because when she was finished his face lit up for the first time in who knows how long.

Lucy sat down beside me and without a word he started chomping his food with out a moments thought about what he was eating.

Lucy was chewing his third bite when his face turned red and his face showed pure disgust.

"_GASP!_ _ACCCKKK! _SAVE- ME- SOMETHING- IN- THROAT- ME- CHOKING!" He choked out. Hehe! This was going just as planned. I went up behind him and put my arms around his waist and did the Himelake Maneuver on him. I did it about 4 times until Lucy gasped and then wretched and spat out a slurpy bit of frogspawn.

"There you go Lucy, it should be all better now!" I exclaimed.

Lucy bent down and picked up what he just spat out and said in disgust.

"WHO IN THE NAME MERLINS LOIN CLOTH PUT THIS IN MY BREAKFAST!" Well not really said maybe yelled.

Everyone was looking at me now. _Shit!_ They just totally gave the game away! They will so pay!

"KKKEEELLLYYY! YOU BLAST ENDED SKWERT! YOU – YOU STUPID ATTEMPTED MUDERER! YOU LITTLE BLUDGER! THIS TIME I MEAN IT YOU SHALL DIE!"

"Die Lucy?" I said in an innocent girly voice.

"YES DIE YOU IDIOT! _AVADA-_ "

"_RICTUMSEMPRA!"_

"AHHHHHH! HEHEHEHEHEHE! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! MMMMOOOOMMMYYY! SAVE ME MOMMY!"

"BAHAHAHAHA!" I screeched. He wants his mommy.

"You want your _mommy!_ Come on! Man up! What man calls for his _mommy!_ Even I don't do that when I get tickled you are totally pathetic!"

"I- HEHE- NEVER-HEHE-SAID-HEHE-MOMMY!" He answered to quickly.

"I got it on tape Lucy so don't waste your breath!" I lied running away.

He started blushing his arse of while I was giggling me arse off as I left.

"KKKKKEEEEELLLLLYYYYYY! HEHEHEHE! MOMMY!" He yelled spoiling the affect utterly.

"BYE LUCY! I'LL JUST GO TELL DRACO WHAT HAPPENED!" I screeched and meaning it. Lucy had not gotten enough embarrassment yet.

"NOOOOOOOOO!

"BYE!"

_**REVEIW! If you do I will update more times a day you know!**_

**_Love..._**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_xoxoxoxoxox_**


	8. Give him a boils potion

**_Hiya! I am SO sorry I havent updated! I got a HUGE cold this week! Anyway I need some ideas. I cant keep calling Lucius Lucy. I need a better nickname and should Jenny have a helper? Please say in a review! Enjoy this chappie!_**

* * *

**Give him a boils potion**

Lucy was sitting on the emerald couch in the sitting looking as green as the sofa and coughing like hell. He was wearing his pinked striped pyjamas although they weren't that pink anymore since he threw up on them.

It was _disgusting! _I can tell you I was just standing there then... well umm you know. Anyway I was in the kitchen walking when I remembered what I was actually leaving for. Ooooh! Yes to get a potion to cure him. But yes but I wasn't going to get a potion to cure him.

I ran at top speed to Snape's medicine cabinet and peered in it a moment. I then had to walk away and look at it from arms length. YUCK! I smelled like Snape's hair! EWWWWWWW!

I quickly looked at the middle shelf and grabbed a scarlet medicine that looked like it could do some wrongdoing and then I practically flew to the kitchen. Without a care in the world about what the label said I poured the whole contents into the water goblet and proudly and girlishly bounced out and presented the water goblet to Lucy with a flourish.

"Here you go Lucius I do hope it helps!" I said in a sickly sweet innocent voice.

Lucy just grunted before drowning the whole contents of the goblet. I sat back on the pink couch (Which I had accidentally on purpose spilt pink paint on a couple of weeks ago in an attempt to brighten up the place.)

Almost instantly angry red boils burst all over his face. They were HUGE, they were shiny and glistening in sweat because Lucy had a HUGE fever.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF BELLA'S BIKINI IS HAPPENING TO MY FACE?"

I just sat there laughing and laughing.

"BAHAHAHAHAH!"

"IT'S NOT FREAKIN FUNNY!" Although everyone at this point was laughing at him.

I was rolling on the ground shaking and clutching my rib laughing when I felt the little potion bottle fall out from my pocket. _Ooooh shit!_ I thought as Lucius looked at me with his already red face.

Lucy picked up the bottle the screeched.

"DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO READ YOU NINCOMPOOP? I WANTED A POTION TO CURE SICKNESS! NOT ONE TO GIVE ME BOILS!"

"FOR YOUR INFORMATION I CAN READ LUCY!"

"THEN WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THIS?"

"CAUSE I WANTED TO!"

"AAARRRGGGHHH!"

He got out his wand and started chasing me shouting curses but with a bad aim.

"Gee Lucius you don't seem that sick! You hardly coughed while screaming those spells and you haven't thrown up in 5 minutes!"

Lucy blushed a deep scarlet when everyone realized. He was pretending to be sick just those few minutes ago.

The Cissy cut in.

"YOU BOILED BUMHEAD! I HAVE BEEN UP EVERY NIGHT HARDLY GETTING ANY SLEEP NURSING YOU! I HAVEN'T SLEPT FOR A WEEK AND I AM FREAKIN TIRED AND YOU ARE TELLING ME THIS WHOLE TIME YOU WERE PRETENDING!"

"Ummmmmmmm…"

WHAM!

That was the sound of Cissy's fist colliding with Lucy's chest.

"Ooooh…" He mumbled falling to the ground

"YEAH LUCY THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!" I screamed jumping on him right where Cissy kicked him before walking away.

"JJJEEENNNYY!" He yelled. But it was a very weak yell so I said

"Bye!"

* * *

_**Review! Remember to say whether Jenny should have a helper and what to call Lucius. I SWEAR on my life they will be used.**_

**_Love_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_xoxoxoxoxox_**


	9. Dye his robes pink

**_I am SO sorry I havent updated! I have been sick and I have been loaded down with homework. REVIEW! Thanks! Enjoy! _**

**Dye his robes pink.**

Hehe! It's pink! The dye is pink! Lucy will be so angry but that's what I want of course.

I was in my bathroom with all of Lucy's robes and they smelt horrid! I have got to ask when he last washed them. Anyway I filled the sink with water and then poured _all _the pink dye in it so the water turned hot pink. Then I seized all of Lucy's robes and dropped them all in the dye. Literally. It went everywhere! Making most of my bathroom turn from blue to pink. Remind me to find the counter curse to wash it off kay?

I stared in delight as Lucy's robes turned from their hideous black color to hot pink! I reluctantly pulled them out of the sink and hung them up. (They still smelled)

_**2 HOURS LATER**_

Finally after 2 hours they dried so I quickly tip toed through the hall and hung up the pink robes in Lucy's wardrobe. Ooooh! I couldn't wait to see his face

I was downstairs reading the comics in the _Daily Prophet _when I heard it.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLINS BOXER BREIFS HAS HAPPENED TO MY ROBES!" Lucy came down the stairs with a purple face and his care bears pyjamas.

"Awwww! I didn't know you liked _care bears _Lucy!" I said innocently.

"I don't!" he answered too quickly and then he blushed. HOW BONKED IS THAT!

Lucy was looking at all of us. Purple with rage he looked at me and then stopped. He looked directly at my hand. CRAP! My hand was covered in the dye.

"AAARRRGGGHHHH! JJJEEEENNYYY! I HATE YOU!"

"Yeah I know" I replied with a yawn

"I AM GONNA KILL YOU!"

Then we did the normal chasey thing until one of my brilliant ideas hit me yet again.

I had 2 bottles of dye so what harm would it be to use the spare bottle? I had already mixed it with water.

I quickly turned around, unscrewed the bottle and… _SPLASH!_

"BAHAHAHAHAH!" I screeched as Lucy's face slowly turned hot pink like his robes.

I started running double time with Lucy on my tail. I got to my bathroom and slammed the door in his face. Literally. I bet his nose was a pink red color now.

"OOOOWWWWW! JJJJEEEEENNNNNYYYY!" He screamed like a girl.

"SEE YA TOMMOROW SUCKER!"

"NOOOOO!"

"YYYEEESSSSS!"

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**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_xoxoxoxoxoxo_**


	10. Go on and on and on and on and on

**_Hey guys! PLEASE REVIEW! I would be alot happier. I have had 300 hits in 1 day and only 1 review! Hope you like this chappie._**

**Go on and on and on and on…**

"HEY LUCIUS! HOW'S IT GOIN' MATE?" I bellowed in Lucy's ear as loud as I could make my voice.

"STOP THAT! Now number one I am not your mate, _I hate you_ and I am trying to concentrate on these reports so SHUT THE HELL UP!" He sneered pointing to the ugly pieces of paper on front of him.

"YOU MEAN THAT JUNK? COME ON LUCY HAVE SOME FUUUUNNNN!" I shouted back in a high-pitched girly way.

"THEY ARE NOT RUBBISH! NOW SHUT UP YOUR ANNOYING PIE HOLE BEFORE I KILL IT!"

"_Gasp!_ You can't do that Lucy! I could go on and on and on and on and on and on…"

"SHUT UP!"

"And on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on…"

"AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"And on and on and on and on and on and on and on…"

"IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP I SWEAR IN THE NAME OF MERLINS FAT BEARD THAT I WILL"-

"And on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on…"

"SHUT UP NOW BEFORE I KEEL YOU!"

"Alright _fine_ Lucy! You don't need to shout! I'm right here! Honestly! People these days!" I said in a weird grown up voice.

"Thank you!" Lucy said sarcastically before turning back to his junk,

"AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON…" I bellowed louder than ever.

"AAARRRGGGHHH! JJJJEEEENNNYYY!"

He started chasing me around the room before I said:

"QUICK LUCY THE DARK LORD IS COMING! ASSUME THE POSITION!" Of course he didn't know what the position was. I made it up just then but he still turned around.

Then my plan came into action. I sprang on his back and started punching his head while chanting.

"YOU – IDIOT. YOU – IDIOT. YOU – IDIOT. YOU – IDIOT!"

"ARRRGGGGHHHH! JJJEEENNNYYY! YOU BITCH!" He screamed waving his arms about like the maniac he was.

I kept on punching him until he suddenly fell to the ground. His arms and legs were akimbo and his big fat bum was facing all of us.

Before he fell totally unconscious he whispered one word very angrily.

"_JJJJJEEEEENNNNNYYYYY!"_

HA!

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	11. Snap his wand

**_I am dedicating this chapter to Trisha Evening Star. She gave me the name Loony Lucy. Thanks Trisha! Once you have read this please review. 90 hits and only 1 review. Enjoy_**

**Snap his wand**

Lucy was sitting on his big bum in the sitting room. I went and jumped down next to him making him scream.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed like a girl.

"BAHAHAHAHA!" I screeched "It's only me loony Lucy!"

"_Loony Lucy?" _He snarled

"Yups!" I replied.

Lucy turned back to his paper reading it like it was an order from GOD. I looked at the coffee table in front of us and saw Lucy's old grubby wand in front of me.

"HEY LOONY WATCH HOW STRONG I AM!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

As planned Lucy turned around and I quickly snapped his wand in half. I started laughing at the sight of his face.

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"YOU… BITCH! YOU SNAPPED MY WAND! THAT WAS 700 GALLEONS! YOU KILLED IT SO I WILL KILL YOU…"

"But you don't have a wand do you?"

"AAARRRGGGHHH! I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY OWN BARE HANDS YOU BLOODY FREAKIN BEAST!"

I looked at Lucy's small girly hands.

"Really Lucy? With these?" I picked up his hand

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME YOU BLOATED HIPPOGRIFF YOU WILL DIE! I WILL KEEL YOU!"

"Okay fine I'm right here dude you have really got some anger issues!" I said back lightly.

Lucy had just gotten up to start chasing me when we heard a shrill yell.

"LUCIUS! YOU IDIOT! I TOLD YOU TO BLEACH MY FAVOURITE DRESS NOT TO DYE IT WITH UNWASHABLE INK!" The cry came from Cissy

"Ooooooh!" I said lowly

"YOU WILL WISH YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!"

She started totally beating up Lucy in the funniest way possible because he was screaming like a girl and saying mummy.

Before I decided to leave I went to Lucy and pulled out a whole hank of hair before shoving it in Lucy's face.

"HEY LUCY YOU'VE GOT A WEIRD BALD SPOT NOW!" I screamed

"JJJJEEEENNNN – MOMMY!" He cried in the middle because Cissy had hit him…. You know.

"BYE YA! REMEMBER TO BUY CISSY A NEW DRESS YOU FACE SUCKING HIPPY!"

" NOOOOOOOOOOO!

"BYE!

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	12. Shoot him with a nerf gun

_**Sorry I havent updated in a while! I have been getting svery alot so I couldnt log on but plz keep reviewing and enjoying this story**_

**Shoot him with a nerf gun**

Lucy was sitting at his rotten wood study table writing a letter to Dumbeldore. It was probably another attempt to have him sacked. Pfft. Like _that _was going to happen.

I was silently giggling behind the sofa holding my brand new nerf gun. Oooh! Lucy was gonna feel some pain today.

I aimed the gun right at his head then pulled the trigger. The orange bullet threw his head forward making him tip his ink all over his letter.

"WHO DID THAT? WHOEVER DID JUST SPOILED A LOVELY LETTER THAT COULD GET THAT OLD PRUNE IN HOGWARTS SACKED!" He screamed manically

I couldn't help what happened next. His bum was sticking out so comically I sort of you know shot him right in his great big but.

"OOOWWWWEEEEEEEE! MY BUTTOCK! MY GLUTEUS MAXIMUS! ARRRGGGHHHHH! MOMMY!" He yelled in pain.

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I from behind the sofa.

"JJJJJJEEEEENMNNNNYYY!"

"Yep that's me!" I said and got up from behind the sofa with my new nerf gun.

"YOU IDIOT! YOU BLASTARD BARNACKLE HEAD! YOU BITCH!" He screamed in rage.

"Lucy!" I said with mock anger. "We do not use language like that in this household!"

"I DON'T FUCKING CARE!" He shouted starting to chase me around the furniture.

When Loony Lucy was suddenly very close behind I got my nerf gun and pointed it at his face and pulled the trigger and the bullet landed…. In his eye.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! MOMMY! MY EYE! MY BEAUTIFUL EYE!"

"Lucy you know it and we all know that your eye is so not beautiful." I said quietly and solemnly back.

"I HATE YOU JENNY!" He yelled while Cissy came to tend to him.

"RIGHT BACK AT YA LOONY LUCY!" I screamed back

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	13. Get him fired

_**Hiya! I am now going to update once a day because of a deal with my sister! Hope you guys enjoy this chapter even if it is a bit long.**_

**Get him fired from his job at the ministry of magic**

_**Flashback:**_

I was sitting at my brand new oak table with my brand new quill and my brand new inkpot full of new ink and a new fresh piece of parchment in front of me. I dipped my brand new quill in the brand new ink and started writing.

_Dear Mr. Cornelius Fudge_

_I have some rather startling news considering one of your school governors Mr. Lucius Malfoy. I know you would be very ashamed by it. I know you would be aching to know it now but I would not wish to have it discussed by airmail. So instead of having it heard by mail I would like to invite you to my humble home. The home right at the end of Spinners End._

_Yours sincerely_

_Jennifer Mist-stalker _

_(More preferred as Jenny as my real first and last name give me much sorrow)_

_P.S I would rather you come the day after the owl arrives, which should be the third._

I rolled up the letter and sealed it then attached to my owls leg. I took her to the window very slowly. She nipped my arm affectionately and flew away.

_**End Flashback.**_

Well here we are. It is the third and I am all set to have Loony Lucy fired as school governor. I told everyone to scarper otherwise they would be put in Azkaban. I told Lucy too and he thought he would be getting a promotion. HA! It was anything but that. He was sitting in his best robes and was trying and failing to twirl his wand expertly around his fingers. He looked the craziest man on the face of the earth.

I was sitting on the couch by myself polishing my _FIREBOLT _when I heard a knock at the door.

I ran like the wind to the door and opened it with grace with Lucy at my heel.

"Why hello Mr. Fudge welcome to my humble abode. I was wondering if I could sit with you and discuss _the thing _in the sitting room?" I asked with politeness that would make a cat sick.

"Why yes Jennifer." He said with the politeness.

"IT'S JENNY YOU IDIOT!" I yelled furiously

"S-s-sorry J-J-Jenny" He said with lots of fear

"Thank you now follow me," I said in my normal girly voice

We went to the sitting room and I went into full blast

"Well you see why I called you here Mr. Fudge is that as you know I am only 17 and only just got of age and um well lets say as a kid at heart I am allowed to play pranks aren't I? WELL AREN'T I?" I said in my scary voice again

"Y-y-y-yes yes you are."

"Thank you well as you know I play pranks on Mr. Malfoy here and you know what he did here. He nearly did the Killing Curse on me! He nearly strangled me!"

The minister waited a moment to take this all in and then he practically exploding.

"LUCIUS IS THIS TRUE!" The minister shouted in a booming voice

"W-w-w-w-well umm minister she aggravated me beyond measure!"

"SO ARE YOU SAYING THAT THIS IS TRUE YOU BLONDE BARBIE!"

"Y-y-y-y-yes!" He mumbled

The minister got to his feet and stood over Lucy, purple in the face.

"YOU MR MALFOY ARE BEING FIRED FROM THE MINISTRY AND IF I SEE PLACE SO MUCH AS A PINKIE TOE IN THERE YOU WILL PAY BLONDE BARBIE!"

He walked away and closed the door loudly.

Lucy turned to me even purpler in the face.

"YOU THING YOU LOST ME ONE OF THE BEST JOBS IN THE WIZARDING WORLD AND NOW I WONT BE ABLE TO REAPLY FOR IT. YOU HAVE RUINED MY WONDERFUL LIFE!"

As normal he started chasing me around when another brilliant idea hit me.

"_INCENDIO!" _I screamed Pointing at his shoes and his robes

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT BURNS!"

I ran away quickly so Cissy could have room to fix him right.

It was SO funny he was crying and everything and then when he was finished he screamed.

"WWWWAAAAAHHHHHHHH! _SNIFFLE _JJJJJEEEENNNNNNNNYYYY!"

"DAMN!" I started "I HOPED THAT WOULDVE SNUFFED YOU OUT OR SOMETHING SO I COULD SEE THESTRALS!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

HA!

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	14. Lead him in the wrong direction

_**Hey! Please REVIEW! I am getting hardly any! I am getting loads of hits though but not many reviews! I wanna now what you think! Anyway ENJOY AND REVIEW!**_

**Lead him in the wrong direction**

Lucy was running to me doing the pee-pee dance like a 5 year old

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LUCY YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR DOING THE PEEPEE DANCE!"

"That's cause I am you imbecile! I forgot where the bathroom is!"

"Oh well umm let me see!" I was going to tell him where the ladies bathroom was.

"Second door to the left upstairs."

"Thank you! Wow! Saying that hurt"

I sat down on the sofa and started to read the comics in _The Daily Prophet _when I heard Cissy scream,

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING IN THE WOMENS BATHROOM YOU IDIOT! WE WERE DOING GIRLY STUFF IN THERE!"

"Yeah!" he started weakly "I saw!"

SLAP!

"OOOOWWWWW! THAT HURT REAL BAD YOU'RE MY WIFE YOUR NOT MEANT TO DO THAT!"

"I'M NOT YOUR WIFE ANYMORE!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

"YAY!" I screamed from the bottom of the stairs.

"YOU IMBECILE YOU LOST ME MY WIFE AND MY JOB AND MY OLD WAND AND HALF MY SANITY!"

"Hi to you as well Loony Lucy!"

"AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

"_CONFUNDUS!" _I shouted at him

"Ooooooh! Me is feeling confused! Me feels weird! Me is feeling like a girly girl! Hey Jenny does you wanna do makeovers and nails with me?"

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I laughed and dropping a vase on his head taking him out of the jinx.

"JJJEEEENNNNY LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME…" He shouted before fainting.

I prodded him with my wand and when he didn't wake up I ran away in a fit of giggles.

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**_xoxoxoxoxoxoxox_**


	15. Put a whoppe cushion under his seat

_**3 words: ENJOY AND REVIEW**_

**Put a whoppe cushion under his seat.**

Lucy was at the front door ushering Borgin in so they could talk about Voldie's new scheme and sort of evil things they would need to make it happen. I pulled out the whoppe cushion I got from Fred by owl and reluctantly under Lucy's chair and I have to tell you it smelt DISGUSTING! I mean it smelt like his poo's. Either he never wipes himself or he just goes inside his pants. EEEEWWWWW!

Anyway as I heard them coming down the hall I started playing my act.

"HEY LUCY! HOW YA DOING BESTIE?" I screamed

Borgin started laughing at Lucy's face, which had turned beet red.

"I am not your bestie!" he hissed. " Now go I need to discuss very important things with our guest!"

"WELL THEN SINCE I AM YOUR ASSISTANCE I HAVE TO STAY AND KEEP WATCH DON'T I? _WELL DON'T I?" _I turned on my scary voice and like magic it worked on Lucy.

"Yes then I suppose so." He said reluctantly with a tinge of fear in his voice.

I quickly sat down in my seat and picked up_ TRANFIGURATION TODAY HOW TO TRANFIGURE FOOD OUT OF THIN AIR. _I started reading and took out my wand to try a spell and-

_FART! _Came from where Lucy was sitting.

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LUCY FARTED LUCY FARTED LUCY FARTED!" I yelled like a little girl.

"SHUT UP YOU MONGREL!" Lucy yelled suddenly exploding

He advanced on me with his wand out but I was to quick for him and Borgin was laughing away.

I said some really fancy words under my breath and suddenly Lucy's left leg turned into a broccoli.

"Well that didn't go right." I said when I saw my result but I was still quite proud.

"AAAAAHHHHH! MOMMY! MY LEG! NOOOO! I HATE VEGETABLES! MOMMY! MOOOOOMMY!"

"BAHAHAHAHAHA!" I screamed as Lucy pounced on a laughing Borgin and clung to him tightly and practically kissing him and looking fearfully at me. I was all set to turn him into a leg of lamb when-

"LUCIUS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING! YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH _BORGIN?_ YOUR CHEATIONG ON ME? YOUR GAY? OUT OF ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD YOU CHOOSE AND OLD POT BELLIED DWRAF?"

"HEY!" Borgin shouted

"SHUT UP BORGIN!"

"WELL!" Cissy screamed demanding an answer

"I um well I well…. OOOWWWWWWW!" He screamed as Cissy had come over and had given his moobies such a twist you could see them turning purple under his black silk robes.

"THERE! HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR OVERRIPE PLUMS" She yelled as she left tugging a screeching Bella behind him.

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I screeched as I dove under Lucy's seat and produced the whoppe cushion, throwing it over his head. "ALL OF THIS HAPPENED OVER WHOPPE CUSHION!"

"JJJJEEEEENNNNYYYY! MY LEG!"

"THERE ISN'T A COUNTER CHARM!"

"JJJEEENNNYYY! NOOOOOOOOO!"

**_Hey guys I got the moobies idea from 101 ways to annoy voldemort so I dedicate this 2 Indi and Lavender May._**

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**_Plz plz plz do so! I will update more! Pleeaaaaaaassssseeee! "puppy dog eyes"_**

**_Love _**

**_BigBlackEyes_**


	16. Put him under the Imperius Curse

_**Hey srry I havent been updating It is just the start of term and I got SO much homework! PLEASE ENJOY AND REVIEW!**_

**Put him under the Imperius curse**

"BELLA I TOLD YOU TO GET RID OF THAT WART!" Lucy yelled

"IT'S MY NOSE!"

"WELL THEN GET RID OF YOUR NOSE!"

"WELL I KINDA CANT IT'S ATTACHED TO ME!"

"THEN DO THAT MUGGLE THING!"

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF MUGGLES AND THEIR METHODS UNDER THIS ROOF!"

"IT'S MY HOUSE AS I HAVE KEPT TELLING YOU!"

"BAHAHAHAHA!" I laughed breaking up their fight. "Break it up guys!" I said walking away behind the couch and quietly whispering "_Imperio!" _Pointing my wand at Lucy while saying so.

Under my spell he suddenly kneeled before Bella and in a REALLY sickly soppy voice he lovingly said "My dearest Bella I have been such a fool not having telling you but I think now is the time! I have always dearly loved you and wanted to be with you. Never Narcissa! You make me feel complete!"

"WHAT!" Cissy and Bella cried. Cissy picked just the wrong moment to come into the room. While that was happening I quickly took the jinx off Lucy.

"YOU LOVE MY SISTER AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME? YOU PREFFER HER? A LADY WITH GREASY HAIR AND LOADS OF WARTS ON HER FACE?"

"HEY!" Bella cried

"I HATE YOU LUCIUS MALFOY **I HATE YOU ! **"

Lucy had suddenly just realized what he had done

"But Cissy it wasn't me"-

"OH SO DOLOHOV DID IT?"

"Hey!" Dolohov yelled

"Well no but somebody put a jinx on me I mean I DID not mean to do it!"

"Well if everyone is done yelling I'm gonna hit the sack!" I said emerging from the back of the sofa.

"YOU! IT WAS YOU!" Lucy yelled at me and with out warning he ran towards me screaming.

"YOU STUPID BEAST I HATE BELLA AND WOULD NEVER LOVE HER EVEN IN A MONTH OF SUNDAYS! I HATE YOU! MY WIFE IS ALREADY SORTING OUT THE DIVORCE PAPERS! I HATE YOU!"

"Same to you Loony Lucy!"

"AAARRRRGGGHH!" He screamed.

I slowly slowed down my pace so when Lucy was right behind me I quickly stamped on his foot with my Jimmy choos. I then heard the satisfying:

"OOOWWWWWEEEEEE!" Of Lucius Malfoy.

He then went into the fetal position rubbing his foot and cursing me badly like the mad_women_ he is. I then quickly stamped on his other foot and the ran away with the shout:

"JJEEENNYYY!" In my ears.

This was just getting easier every time

**_SO? WELL? TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK IN A REVIEW! PLEASE! REVIEW! THAT IS ALL I AM ASKING! PLEASE!_**

**_LOVE_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOXOX_**


	17. Turn his hair into snakes

_**Hey guys! Told you I would update! Well anyway I REALLY hope you enjoy just tell me what you think. PLEEEEEAASE!**_

**Turn his hair into snakes**

Lucy was sitting on the couch watching TV in his pyjamas and every so often he move to one side and do a GINORMOUS fart. EWWW! It was his day off. He got a job doing something in Knockturn Alley but he would never say what. Right now I was ready to take revenge on him. He actually farted RIGHT IN MY FACE while I was walking past him to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

I was right behind the couch so I put my wand right up to his gunky hair and whispered "_Sectumsempra!" _Just like Draco did once or so he told me… For some reason he's always trying to impress me but he should just skip back to Astoria or Hermione or…. right well I said the incantation thinking a snake would land on his head but something more glee full happened. All of his hair turned into snakes. I quietly got out of my hiding spot and went up to him sneering " Hi Medusa. Who ya going to turn into stone?"

"W-w-what?" he said bewildered

"LOOK IN THE MIRROR IF YOU WANNA SEE A PRETTY SIGHT!" I bellowed right in his face. By this time everyone had gathered round. Lucy got up to look for a mirror but he didn't have to. On of the snakes curled itself round into Lucy's face so it was in his view. Lucy groped his hair and almost instantly a snake bit his hand.

" OWWWW! EEWWWW! SNAKES! NOO! IM AFAID OF SNAKES! AAHHH! MOMMY! CISSY! BELLA! DOLOHOV! HELP MEEEEEEE! I'M GONNA DIE!"

"Well that's a good thing isn't it?" I asked, butting in

"NO ITS NOT!" He yelled at me as he ran around asking for help but everyone ran away from him screaming. Dolohov the loudest

"AAAAHHHH! HES A TRANZ! HE TURNED INTO MEDUSA! QUICK HE'LL TURN US INTO STONE! I MEAN _SHE_ WILL TURN US INTO STONE!"

A snake then twisted its way to Lucy's face and looked him straight in the eye. Lucy then fainted after a second eye contact with the snake. _Pathetic_. He fell to the floor with a THUD! But his bum cushioned his fall. As he lay there his hands looked like they were throttling some one. ME! HA! Like that would happen he has got SUCH small girly hands. Everyone just stood over him, (including me!) laughing till we were all in stitches.

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	18. BARBIE!

_**Hiya! I got sick AGAIN! It gets annoying getting SO many colds but after a while you get used to it! ENJOY THIS AND REVIEW I BEG YOU!**_

**For his birthday give him a Barbie doll **

I had just finished putting the last pink streamer on the wall when Lucy came in. We all jumped up from where we were and shouted

"SURPRISE!" Although I added Loony on mine.

He glared at me for a moment or two before a smile broke out on his face.

"You guys did this for me! I'm touched and "- He paused while he looked around and then in a disgusted tone he said "But why in the name of Merlin's boxer briefs is it all pink?"

"Lucy!" I started in a fake hurt tone "You don't like it? I did it all by myself!"

"Oh yeah I _love_ it!" He said in a sarcastic tone. I then went up to him and in my 6- inch Jimmy choo heels and stamped on his foot.

"OOOOWWWWWW! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!"

"You disrespect pink you disrespect me!" I said lightly although I don't really like pink.

"Fine then." He huffed "Lets just start the party!"

We played a hefty amount of party games and ate a lot of food then it was present time! I barged right to the front of the line and while shoving my present in Lucy's face I said:

"I hope you like my gift! I think it looks a lot like you!"

Lucy then started ripping off the paper and when he saw what I had bought him pure horror shined on his face.

"You got me a_ Barbie doll?"_

"Yups! It's a spitting image of you isn't it? It'll help you bring out your inner girl Lucy!"

"Yea it does look like you Lucius!" Voldie said as he was rolling on the carpet laughing.

"It does look like you father!" Draco Piped in

"Yea Lucy even your son agrees!"

"I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A BARBIE DOLL!"

"Oh yes you do Lucy! Yes you do! All you have to do is slim down a bit and people will mistake you for Barbie if they don't already now!"

"I AM NO BARBIE!" Lucy screamed really flaming

"YES YOU ARE LUCY DON'T DENY IT LOONY YOUR HAIR REALLY SETS IT OFF!"

Lucy then just stormed out of the room and when he came back his hair was nearly all hacked off and all chip choppy.

"THERE!" He shouted looking at everyone with his eyes totally bugging out.

"Well… You look like Barbie with a drastic hair cut!"

"NNNNNNOOOOOO! I CANT LOOK LIKE BARBIE I CANT MOTHER WILL CUT ME OFF! MUMMY! NNNOOOO! ME LOVES YOU AND MR SNUGGLEBEAR! I WIKE CUDDLING UP WITH YOU! NOOOO!" He cried while falling down on the ground in an emotional crying wreck.

Cissy went down to help him up but he just screamed

"NNNOOOO! MUMMY! NOOOO! ME DO ANYTHING! LET GO OF ME YOU FOOL! NOOO! MUMMY! MUMMY! I'M SORRY I MISSED YOUR BIRTHDAY AND GETTING YOU A CHRISTMAS PRESENT AND GETTING YOU A MOTHERS DAY CARD! I'M SO SORRY!"

"DONT YOU DARE CALL ME A FOOL YOU WUSS!" Cissy cried

"Lucy I cant believe you forgot all those things! You are a mother hating man aren't you?" I questioned strongly

"NNNOOOOO! ME LOVES MUM! ME WAS TO BUSY TO REMEMBER ME SORRY!" He screamed while pulling on my leg

I got seriously freaked out cause this was nothing like Lucy so I kicked him in the chest and ran away to him screaming

"MUMMY! TAKE ME BACK ME WANTS CUDDLES AND KISSY'S ON MY BOO-BOO'S!"

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**_XOXOXOXOXOXOX_**


	19. Ask him stupid questions

_**Hello! Srry again 4 not updaring we are getting SO many tests at school since it very nearly the end of the school year. They realy are gonna kill us you know. Anyway enjoy and REVIEW! Thats all I ask! **_

**Ask him stupid questions**

"Hey Lucy!" I grinned as he was writing yet ANOTHER job application.

"Go AWAY!"

"Alright but right after this question."

"Fine! Shoot."

"Why is the grass green?"

"How should I know!"

"Fine. Why is the sky blue?"

"I thought you said ONE question!"

"Well since you didn't answer me I shall ask more till you do!"

"Hmph!"

"OK. So _why _is the grass green and _why_ is the sky blue?"

"BECAUSE THE EARTH MADE IT THAT WAY! NOW GO AWAY CAUSE I AM TRYING TO GET A JOB!" He shouted getting angry

"But _why _did the earth make it that way?" I inquired

"BECAUSE IT DID NOW SHOVE OFF!"

"But WHY?"

"AAARRRGGGHHH!"

"Hey honey have you got my surprise ready yet? Cissy said as she came into the room gracefully with her makeup done perfectly and in her best dress.

"What surprise?" Lucy said weakly half sprung out of his chair ready to kill me

"You know the surprise thing you told me about and how I had to look my best!" Cissy probed

"Oh!" Lucy said dully. You could almost hear his face drop because he didn't have a surprise ready.

"You have done it haven't you?"

"Well um well you see your um is well um "-

"Well where is it?"

"I um well um I … Yes! I finished my job application and I wanted it do be a surprise because I knew I would get this job!" He said while kneeling on at her feet but unfortunately he kneeled on the hem of her dress and it ripped down the middle.

"LUCIUS!" Cissy and me shouted in unison because it was her best dress and I love clothing so I was just as livid as her.

"YOU IDIOT YOU DRAG ME ALL THE WAY HERE TO TELL ME YOU HAD NO SURPRSE AND YOU JUST COMPLETED A JOB APPLICATION"- Cissy started and I butted in and finished

"TO A JOB YOU WILL PROBABLY NEVER GET AND THEN YOU CAME DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND RIP CISSY'S BEST DRESS! I AM SO GONNA KILL YOU FOR TREATING HER DRESS LIKE THAT!" And with that I jumped on him and started rubbing his face in the carpet

"HEY LUCY I'M GETTING RID OF THAT STAIN YOU WERE COMPLAING ABOUT! YOUR FACE REALLY WORKS!"

"GO JENNY!" Cissy cried

I kept it up for the next few minutes before Lucy practically threw me off and nearly flung me out the window. I hit my head REALLY hard so I thought I would wind Lucy up so I faked being dead. I just lay there as still as stone as I heard Cissy scream

"LUCIUS LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE! YOU KILLED JENNY! YOU KILLED HER! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! YOU KILLED HER!"

Then I heard Lucy kneel down on the floor and start crying

"I'M SORRY JENNY I NEVER MEANT TO KILL YOU! I LOVE YOU! NOOOO DON'T BE DEAD!"

I suddenly sat up bolt straight and gasped

"WHAT THE FUCK!" I blasted

"I um didn't mean it. Just a laugh haha!" He said weakly remembering his on yuckily sincere words.

"UMM IT DIDN'T SOUND LIKE YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT!" I shouted to the loony

"YEAH YOU TWO TIMING BASTARD! HOW CAN YOU LIKE SOMEONE MORE THAT HALF YOUR OLD FUCKING AGE!" This time she jumped on him and probably gave him WAY more pain than I did.

"JJJEEENNNNY! YOU LITTLE SQUIRT! YOU GOT ME INTO THIS NOW GET ME OUT! OOOWWWWEEE! CISSY! NO! HELP ME!"

"I DIDN'T GET YOU INTO THIS YOU DID. YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME! EWWWWWW! THAT FELT DISGUSTING! BYE!"

"JJJJEEEENNNNYYY!"

"BYE!"

**_I know this might not be as funny! I dont know! But please review and tell me if it is or isnt cause I REALLY need to know If I have to kick up a notch_**

**_SO PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!_**

**_Love _**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX_**


	20. Dare him to wear a bikini

_**Hey guys srry I havent updated. LOTS of school things have kept me busy and then I had a computer free phase (because the computer broke) But now I will try and update as much as possible! Enjoy and as usual PLEASE REVIEW! I really need to know what you guys think and want in the story to make it better.**_

**Dare him to wear a bikini**

Lucy was running through the lounge quickly picking up his briefcase and raced to the door in order to get away before I start up my um… lets say _antics._

Fortunately I got to the door first and blocked it. Then I said

"There is NO escape Lucy!" It was SO funny on how he started shaking in fear at my very words.

"NOOOO! THERE HAS TO BE A WAY!" He cried.

HA! I hadn't even done what I had intended to do and he was already in tears in the mere thought of what was coming up next.

Very slowly and seriously I said

"Loony Lucy Malfoy I dare you to wear a bikini!" I had to bite my cheeks to stop me from laughing at the thought

"I WONT DO IT AND I NEVER WILL!" He shouted at me in an agro voice

"Awwww! Is little Lucy a chicken! _Cluck cluck!" _I then started making bizarre chicken noises until he shouted

"I AM NOT CHICKEN! I WILL DO THIS GROTTY DARE TO SHOW YOU AS WELL!"

He then raced upstairs to change while I got everyone assembled in the lounge.

When he was done he came thumping down the stairs in nothing but Cissy's pink flower bikini. He stood at the foot of the stairs and saw everyone laughing he looked at me and shouted

"YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT EVERYONE ELSE WOULD BE HERE!"  
"Well it would've been mean to leave them out!"

"GGGGRRRR!" He shouted as he came down the stairs

We all laughed till we wet ourselves and when Cissy shouted

"LUCIOUS I HATE YOU! PINK IS SO NOT THE RIGHT COLOUR FOR YOU! AND YOU ARE WAY TO FAT FOR A BIKINI! THE SIGHT OF YOU HAS BLINDED ME!" Cissy cried in REAL pain

"Yeah Lucy you ARE fat!" I replied in response

"GGGRRRR! I AM NOT FAT JUST PLUMP"

"Yeah! Right…" I said flooding my words in sarcasm

Then out of the blue Dolohov stood up glassy eyed and dizzily said

"Lucy I am afraid to admit this but now for some reason I am oddly attracted you!"

Lucy squealed like a stuck pig and ran to get his biggest cloak.

Then Lucy came in nothing but a bikini and a HUGE cloak he walked creepily over to me. Then he went all agro.

"LOOK WHAT YOUR FREAKIN DARE HAS DONE! DOLOHOV IS TURNING GAY ON ME AND MY DEAR CISSY IS BLIND BECAUSE OF IT!" He shouted at me angrily

"I would LOVE to be in Cissy's spot. I mean I would love to be blind because you aren't exactly flattering in ANYTHING you wear anyway!"

"ARRRRGGGHHH!" He shouted and started running just as I started running and shouting.

"LUCY REMEMBER ALL YOU ARE WEARING IS A FAT CLOAK AND A BIKINI THAT WOULD LOOK LOVELY ON EVERYBODY BUT YOU!" I reminded him while he was chasing me.

Lucy stopped dead in his tracks and turned beet red and started walking up to his room while shouting

"ONE DAY JENNY YOU WILL WISH YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!"

What an old line…

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**_Remenber I need to now what you guys think and want so I can make this story better and to your liking._**

**_Love_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX_**


	21. Scare him

**_Hi guys! Im am SO sorry if this chappie isnt funny. I tried to make it as funny as it could be. I am sorry that it is short too. Please reveiw. We all know how much it sucks when you get 500 hits and 3 reviews. Enjoy. I am going to post another one right now!_**

**Scare him**

Lucy was going around the house doing his usual house inspection. The house had just been cleaned and we were finally all let in after 4 hours! All the maids looked nervously at Lucy as if he would kill them (which he probably would've but since he doesn't know how to clean…)

"MARY! I FOUND DUST ON THE TABLE! YOU ARE TO SLACK. YOU ARE TO LAZY. IF YOU KEEP THIS UP I WILL HAVE TO FIRE YOU AND YOU WILL BE UPON THE DARK LORD." Mary walked forward almost crying poor girl. Lucy was tough. Voldie? That was tough of course he wouldn't care though. Lucy shoved his gloved hand in her face. I walked forward as well. _I _couldn't see anything on the stupid glove.

"RIGHT THERE YOU STUPID GIRL IF YOU CAN'T SEE IT YOUR FIRED!" Lucy shouted at poor Mary. I hated him for it. I had been drinking ice tea at the moment and luckily the ice was still there. I picked up my drink and silently walked behind Lucy. Everyone was there and was silently ushering me on. I pulled his shirt out an inch and poured all the tea down his top. Then I burst out laughing.

"Jenny what the… OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!" Lucy shouted as the ice started trickling down his top. He started doing some sort of weird shuffle dance. I wasn't done with him yet. Why would I leave still conscious? I picked up my tray of ice and flung it down his top once more. He fell to the ground groping his back trying and failing to get the ice out.

"JENNY WHEN I OOOOH! GET YOU I WILL OOOOOOOOOOOH! YOU LITTLE OOOH! YOU STUPID TWERP! OOOOOH ITS MELTING! COLD COLD COLD COLD! CISSY!" He shouted in tears. He looked up at Cissy but she just looked back at him with a stony glare.

"We're divorced aren't we? Thanks Jenny!" She shouted grinning at me but glaring at Lucy.

"JENNY YOU LITTLE BITCH THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU LITTE JERK. AND YOU CISSY YOU ARE A FAT, FAT WOMEN. UGLY TOO YOU ARE THE WORST EX IN THE… OWWWWWWW! WAAAAAAAH! MUMMY LUCIUS NEEDS YOU I'M SORRY I KILLED YOU…."

"Wait a minute you ASS are you telling me you forgot her birthday, mother's day and Christmas? You complete utter ASS you bloody IDIOT. YOU FUCKING SADIST." I shouted at him while pouring more ice down his cloak. He screamed again and tried to punch me with his fat fist. I swerved easily and jumped on him before running away. Cissy would finish him off.

I heard a sharp slap from my room. You do not wanna call Cissy fat. BIG mistake Lucy. HA!

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**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX_**


	22. Always interrupt him

_**Hi guys! One warning this post has extensive swearing so people under 10 should not read it. I wouldnt have put it in but it made it funny... I think. I need your guys opinion so please REVIEW! (I bet your sick of hearing this but it would be great if you did!)**_

**Always interrupt him**

"Alright everyone since the Dark Lord is busy he has chosen _me _to tell you all the new plan. HA SUCK ON THAT! HE CHOSE ME" He shouted losing his cool towards the end. Everyone including me looked uninterested and we were either yawning or inspecting our nails as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. We were waiting for the new plan.

Lucy paused for what he thought was dramatic pause. I threw an empty glass at his head. It shattered into pieces and he screamed in pain and clutched his head glaring at me. "GET ON WITH IT LUCY!" I shouted angrily trying to hide my laughter.

Lucy coughed importantly. "Okay. The Dark Lord wants us all to disapperate to the"-

"BORING WHO CARES ANYWAY? THIS IS STUPID!" I shouted throwing another glass at him. This time it was full.

"AAAARRRRGGGH! JENNY MY EYE IS FULL OF SODA. IT BURNS AAAHHHHHHH! HELP ME!" He shouted like a little kid. I ran to the sink and grabbed a jug of water and threw it at him. Lucy glared at me. "YOU STUPID KID! I AM SOAKING! GET YOUR ASS BACK IN A CHAIR AND KEEP YOUR PIE HOLE CLOSED!" He shouted at me pushing me into the closest chair.

"Anyway we are to disapperate to the Shrieking Shack and then we are to make our way to"-

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! NOT THE SHRIEKING SHACK! ITS FULL MOON TOMMOROW. HOW DO WE KNOW WHAT WOLVES ARE THERE? IF THERE ARE ANY I THINK WE SHOULD SACRIFICE LUCY!" I shouted as I shot my hand in the air waiting for everyone to follow in suit. I got bored so I kicked Lucy under the table. Hard. "OOOOOOWWWWWWEEEEEEE! JENNY THAT HURT! YOU SHALL PAY! YOU SHALL DIE AND IT WILL HURT!" He screamed, his face purple and his eyes livid as he jumped up. He started chasing me.

I ran upstairs then back down and through the living room. Lucy was panting and gasping by this time. I turned around and kicked him right in the nuts.

"OOOOOOOHH! OOOOOOW! MY… YOU… STUPID JENNIFER! I WILL… YOU ARE...?" He yelled doubling over. I doubled over in laughter.

Lucy struggled to his feet. And grabbed me by the leg. I was shocked and angry. I saw red. I pulled a bottle of soda out of my cloak and poured it in his eyes.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! MY EYES! MY EYES! THEY ARE BURNING! THEY ARE DYING! FIRE, FIRE! MY EYES ARE ON FUCKING FIRE BITCHES HELP ME MY EYES ARE TURNING INTO FUCKING ASH STOP THE FIRE BEFORE MY EYES TURN TO SHIT BITCHES!" He shouted in a rant. We all stood around him but no one made a move to help. Even Voldie came from his study to watch. I ran to Lucy and kicked him in the nuts again. All his effort to stand up was lost as he fell to the ground again.

"OOOOOOOOW! YOU FUCKING BITCHES ARE FULL OF SHIT! NOW FUCKING HELP ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!" He screamed dementedly.

"I'm sorry Lucy but we don't help demented people who call us bitches. You can help yourself. A big boy like you can do that right?" I asked innocently

"BUT I'M NOT A BIG BOY! I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I'M NOT DEMENTED. I WANT HELP! I WANT MY TEDDY AND MY CARE BEAR PYJAMAS. I WANT TO BE A BABY AGAIN!" He shouted.

I giggled and left. Lucy just gave me a prime idea for my next… _trick_.

**_HEY GUYS PLEASE REVIEW! IT WOULD MAKE MY DAY! PLEASE REVIEW._**

**_CAN ANYONE GUESS WHAT THE TRICK IS? _**

**_I KNOW THAT WAS A SCAM TO GET YOU TO REVIEW =)_**

**_PLEASE!_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOX_**


	23. OOOOOH! BURN!

_**Hiya! I havent had that amy reviews and hits and that is why I am going on a total update FRENZY! I hope you guys think my chappies are funny and I hope you enjoy! Once again REVIEW and ENJOY!**_

**Burn his favourite things**

I tiptoed into the living silently. I saw what I needed. Lucy had his fat bum plastered to the couch and he was clutching a can of root beer. Ever since the accident yesterday he's gone off soda.

Lucy started shouting insults at the wizard quiz show he was watching and made no move to ever leave that couch again. It was like someone had really plastered him to the seat.

I giggled quietly as I made my way to his room. I hated it the first time I visited and now I hated it even more. He had out more tags everywhere and everything looked so prissy and neat and totally WEIRD!

I ran to his bear and took out his teddy first. Then I went to his wardrobe. IT TOTALLY STUNK. EVEN WORSE THAN SNAPE'S HAIR! The stink started to blind me so I held my nose and closed my eyes as I lunged for the Care Bears pyjamas. I pulled them out and before I could breathe I started laughing. They were pink and patterned with the care bears. I couldn't believe Mr Macho Man wore this to bed!

I gathered up all the other important things like his weird bobble head Voldie and his favourite wand holder and some sort of magical lucky robe.

I bundled all these thing under my robe and made my way downstairs. With all these things under my cloak I looked like I was pregnant in my hip!

I made my way through the kitchen and outside into the back yard. I threw the items onto the tepee of sticks I had made and mumbled a complex incantation under my breath, pointing my wand at the sticks. Tongues of flame burst onto the sticks and started turning the objects to ash. A horrible Lucy smell rose from the fire but I had a smile plastered to my face. Now I had to wait for Lucy to come in screaming.

I didn't have to wait long. Lucy smelt and came running.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? WE DON'T HAVE A FUCKING BONFIRE LICENSE!" He shouted at me. I looked at him like the little innocent girl I was and said.

"Aren't innocent girls like me allowed to enjoy themselves? _I _didn't know that we didn't have a motorcycle license!" I said a smile starting to play at my lips.

Lucy weakened "What did you use to make the fire?" He asked weakly and bleakly (Hey that rhymes! Hehe!) I looked at him wide eyed and looked at the fire. "Why don't you take a look?" I asked in a soft tone.

Lucy nodded abruptly and walked toward the fire. (I had a sudden urge to push him in but I resisted. That would've been as funny as HELL though!) He peered into the fire and suddenly screamed.

"IS THAT MY DARK LORD BOOBLEHEAD AND MY FAVOURITE CARE BEAR PYJAMAS? IS THAT MR EVIL WICKIMS! NOOOO BABY! IM SORRY THAT DADDY CAN'T SAVE YOU- OOOOOOH! IS THAT MY BEST WAND HOLDER AND LUCKY MAGIC CLOAK! ARRRRRRGH! OOOOOOH! WWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Lucy screamed at me although still looking livid he broke down and cried.

"HOW IN THE NAME OF MERLINS BAGGY BOXER SHORTS DID YOU GET YOUR FUCKING CLAWS ON THIS?" He shouted at me still grieving for his lost teddy

"Lucy you know you shouldn't leave your things lying around. I took whatever I could find. I didn't know they were special. You should take more care of your things." I said as if he was a five year old.

"OF COURSE YOU DID YOU FUCKING SADIST! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU I SAHLL TORTURE YOU TO DEATH THEN I SHALL PUT YOU BACK TOGETHER AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN!" He screamed at me and lunged or my neck. He tried unsuccessfully to strangle me. I just started laughing at how weak he was.

"ILL TEACH YOU TO LAUGH AT ME WITCH!" He cried and pushed me back into the muddy grass. He cackled with a weird laughter. HOW DARE HE!

I reached into my robes before he could realise what I was doing. I was very skilled at magic. I quickly pointed the wand at him menacingly "_LEVICORPUS!" _I shouted. This was my best and favourite spell.

Lucy screamed like a little girl as he was hoisted into the air by his ankle just an inch away from the fire. He suddenly started bawling uncontrollably.

"WAAAAAAAAH! GET ME DOWN FROM HERE! WAAAAAAAH. THE FIRE IS HOT AND IT BURNS! WAAAAH! HELP ME!" He cried at me.

I looked up at him with no sympathy. "This is your mess Lucy!" I shouted at him. This only made him bawl even more. I walked away slowly. Leaving him dangling there. Keeping my wand always skilfully pointed at where he would be. Once I was in the safety of my room I quickly flicked my wand. Breaking the jinx.

I heard a satisfying thud. Even though I was all the way on the other side of the house _and up the stairs_ I heard it. That my friend's is how fat Lucy Malfoy is. Even if it doesn't show.

**_Hey guys. I think you know what your job is now. If you dont it is to REVIEW! Please do it. It will make me update quicker and I promise to reply and mabye dedicate some chappies to some people!_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOX_**


	24. Are you a MUGGLE?

_**Hi guys! I am SO sorry if this isnt funny. I hope it is! This idea came into my head and I settled to write it like this. Enjoy! Tell me if it was funny or not so REVIEW! Thx! :)**_

**Accuse him of being a muggle **

Me and Cissy were having a "girl night" we used to be tight until Lucy became overprotective and stopped it all. This was the first time we had hung out in AGES. Cissy was like a second mum to me in many ways. My mum was dead along with my dad so now I'm here.

I had roped Cissy into my plan and she agreed willingly. She was WAY over Lucy.

We were sitting in the lounge and Cissy was carefully braiding my hair. We were sitting in comfortable silence. We were shaking in excitement.

"I WANTED ONE AND A QUARTER ICE! NOT ONE AND A WONKY SQUARE OF ICE. HOW CAN I DRINK THIS? MY LIFE IS CRAP!" We heard Lucy scream from the kitchen _picky!_ I giggled along with Cissy but I had to stop myself.

"Ssssh get ready he's coming!" I whispered at Cissy. She took a gulp of water and sobered up. We turned to face each other and waited for Lucy to come through the door.

We didn't have to wait long. He stomped through the door. He was fuming. He trudged right pass us and sat down, completely ignoring us.

Cissy and I started talking to each other about a topic that was likely to… _infuriate_ Lucy.

"You know I heard that only muggles get into rages like that." I whispered to Cissy so only she and Lucy could hear.

Lucy's head snapped towards us. His glare burned us and he was now rapidly listening to our conversation.

"I know" Cissy started. "You know after knowing him for a long time I kind of grasped that he might be part muggle. I mean when you trace his history you would see that not all of his ancestors are pure blood like he claims." Cissy finished quietly. I knew Lucy could hear though.

"I know" I giggled. "He is _such _a _fake_! I replied giggling again with Cissy. I looked up at Lucy and saw him fuming. His face was red and I swore I could see smoke come out of his ears and nose. I felt like laughing but I couldn't

"Oh Lucy your here? I didn't notice you were?" I faked trying to look innocent. He was looking at me so bad it looked like I was looking at death. He shot up out of the couch

"YOU LITTLE TWERP YOU KNEW! YOU PLANNED THIS AND THEN YOU GOT MY STUPID EX WIFE IN THIS AND I AN NOT I REPEAT NOT ANY TYPE OF MUGGLE CRAP!" He shouted in our faces, spit flying everywhere.

I glared back at him and folded my arms across my chest. "Oh yeah? Prove it?" I said with venom poisoning my voice.

"AAAAARGH! YOU PLANNED THIS AND THEN PULLED MY STUPID EX WIFE INTO IT!" He screamed and then we went through the tradition. He started chasing while Cissy was fuming. OOOOOOH! He was in TROUBLE!

When Lucy was shockingly close to me Cissy sprung up. She elbowed and punched Lucy at the same time. He fell to the ground crying.

"OOOOOW! WAAAAAH! IT HURTS! BOO BOOS EVERYWHERE! TO MANY! MUMMY KISS MY BOO BOOS! I WANT THEM TO GO AWAY-Y-Y!" He cried still bawling.

Cissy wasn't done with him yet though. She pounced on him like a panther and kicked and punched any part of his body she could find.

When she was so close to knocking him out she pulled out her wand swiftly and put him in a full body bind curse.

I jumped on Lucy and I thought I heard a whimper. I ran to my room

HA!

**_Did you guys like it? PLEASE TELL ME IN A REVIEW! TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND I WILL BE SOOOOOO GREATFUL! PLEASE REVIEW!_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOX_**


	25. Pull his hair

_**Hi! I am updating more often for you guys and it makes me feel crappy when no one reviews. I really wanna know your thoughts and ideas! Please read and enjoy an dont forget to REVIEW! Thx ;)**_

**Pull his hair.**

Lucy was hunched over his desk. His quill was scratching against the parchment as he furiously wrote a letter pleading to Fudge to get his job. He had been doing this for the past week with no success.

_Dear Mr Malfoy._

_I am sorry to inform you that your application has been denied. I have seen your violence first hand and there is no chance of you coming back to work for the Ministry of Magic. We do not take in wizards like you. It would give us a _horrible _name. Please stop trying it shall never work. If you are extremely desperate I need a man to be a guard inside of Azkaban. If you are interested please contact me but in any other reason relating to your old position I would not like you to send another letter as I said there is NO chance. Get used to it. Again contact me if you want the Azkaban position. Our last guard died in the prison. We REALLY need another guard._

_Not so kind regards_

_Cornelius Fudge _

This would ALWAYS be the reply. Even so he kept on sending them. Eventually he will be arrested but he doesn't care. It's like he suddenly feel deeply in love with Mr Fudge so he is trying to get his job back so he can ask Mr Fudge out…

You know I wouldn't be surprised if it was true. HA like it would ever happen. Mr Fudge would NEVER hook up with _Lucy_. HA!

I was sitting on the on the couch reading about Harry Potter and how he saw Voldie come back. Even though everyone thinks its shit we all know it's true. I looked up from my reading. Lucy was still writing. No surprise there.

His hair has gotten SO long in the past few days. It's because he took some sort of hair tonic and instead of putting it in his hair he drank it.

I put the _Daily Prophet_ down I walked silently over to Lucy. I waited a second before taking a HUGE lock of hair and pulled sharply. His head got pulled back and I yanked some hair out.

"OOOOOOWWWEEE! MY BEAUTIFUL LOVELY LONG SHINY SMOOTH HAIR!" He screamed looking around for his offender. I was back to reading at this point. I bit my lip to hold back my laugh.

I walked over to him again and this time with two hands. I pulled his hair in different directions. Making him scream before I could even sit down again. This time I pulled out even more hair.

"AAAAAAAH! MY HEAD! ITS BEING KILLED ITS BEING SPLIT IN HALF. MY HAIR… MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR IT'S GONE! WAAAAAH! I WANT MY… OOOOOOH JENNY I AM GONNA KILL YOU LIKE THE BRAT YOU FUCKING ARE!" He shouted at me as I started laughing.

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I screamed as I started laughing. I still had his hair in my hands so I yanked again pulling his head right back.

"YOU BITCH. WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE TEARING MY BEAUTY AWAY! WHEN I GET YOU I SWEAR TO GOD THAT I WILL"-

"Lucy we all know that you were never pretty GET USED TO IT!" I shouted in his ear. I smirked as his face went from red to purple.

"WHY YOU BITCH!" He screamed jumping up to catch me. The usual thing.

I ran around the lounge until he looked dizzy. I had to find something to stop him but what?

I looked down at the coffee table. I had been fixing the tables and I had been using a sticking potion.

I scooped the small bottle in my hand and un corked it. I then poured all the chunky brown liquid all over Lucy.

His hands went to his hair. And stuck there.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH! MY HANDS MY HAIR! MY BODY! ALL RUINED! WHY MUMMY! WHY! WAAAAH!" He cried, still trying to catch me.

I pulled out my wand and pointed at his head. "_RECTUMSEMPRA!" _I screamed. Almost immediately he started giggling. He fell to the ground still laughing.

"I… CAN'T … BREATHE! HEHEHEHEHE! I… CAN'T… BREATHE! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" He screamed rolling around on the ground.

I stepped around Lucy and ran to get Cissy. Leaving him in a giggling mess.

**_Hey guys. I've done my job to write this chappie now it is you small job for you to REVIEW! If you do you will make my day! _**

**_PLEASE REVIEW!_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOX_**


	26. Read his diary out loud

_**Hey guys. I'm sorry I havent updated ina while. I have been getting my new story off the ground. I quite liked this idea. So tell me what you think in a review I would REALLY like it. Enjoy!**_

**Read his diary out loud**

It was near the end of dinner and everyone was in the drawing room. I snuck into Lucy's room and searched under his bed. I stretched out my arm and my hand closed around a leather bound book. I grinned and withdrew it.

I quickly ran back to the dining room and burst in. Lucy's eyes grew wide when he saw what I was holding.

"_Entry one of Lucius Malfoy. Death Eater number 1. Voldemort's right hand man._

_I am sitting here in my room in my manor. It is the MALFOY MANOR. Not the LESTRANGE MANOR! I don't get why that wart face has to come and live here! People say they can't see the resemblance in Bellatrix and Cissy. In my opinion they aren't pretty at all. Cissy is prettier by a margin because Bellatrix has HUGE warts. I am still PISSED! I am also angry because Draco is starting to look more and more like Cissy. I do not want my son turning into an ugly girl! The thought is preposterous! If I have to resort to that muggle "plastic surgery" then I will. I don't care if it is breaking death eater rules. I do not care if it is forbidden from Voldemort. I will NOT have my child looking in the least bit feminine. He is already close to it!" _I grinned when I finished. I saw Voldemort hiss dangerously and Lucy's mouth opened in protest but Draco bet him to it.

"Hey dad I do _not_ look like a girl kay? There is a thing called _puberty! _Oh yeah I do _not_ need my face pulled and pushed by some weird mud blood either!" Draco jumped out of his chair and stormed out. Lucy was blushing and I was grinning. Bella and Cissy seething. I just had to carry on.

"_Entry two of Lucius Malfoy. Death Eater number 1. Voldemort's right hand man_

_I went into The Dark Lords office today. It totally STUNK! I can't believe that he blows THAT much gas! I REALLY don't know what happened to him. I mean he used to be handsome and the years certainly haven't been nice too _him_! I mean why is he so UGLY! Bald. Pasty dry skin. Red eyes. No nose weird mouth and LONG nails. WHAT THE FUCK! I went to Snape's potion cupboard today to find for my LOVELY hair and STUNNGING GOOD LOOKS! I just wanna make myself more beautiful. I would be a shame for someone like me to be unnoticed actually it would be a crime. It is actually a good thing everyone else in this house is so ugly. Everyone will pick ME first because I will stand out next to these ugly stinky poos! I had a lovely day apart from it. I sent out 20 more job applications all for jobs at the ministry. I think I am weakening Fudge. He has to let me back soon. I have a good feeling that I might FINALLY get a new job. At least I can go out in public. These other poops in my house can't and it is MY house. Why do all these people have to come and invade? I thought the Dark Lord was better than that. I was wrong I know see._" Cissy and Bellatrix screamed and Voldemort hissed again.

"NOOOO! THIS IS WRONG! I UMMM… I UMMM NEVER WROTE ANY OF THAT! PLEASE HELP ME LORD PLEASE LORD PLEASE!" He screamed at us starting to cry.

"Uh Lucy this looks exactly like your writing. Your name is engraved on the front and put a charm on it so only _you_ could write in it. Believe me I tried to write something interesting in it and _nothing_ happened" I said in an accusing voice.

"Lucius do you want me to leave your house and rid you of your titles and give you the severe… _consequences? _In other words he meant killing him with his shame.

"N-n-no sir. I don't want you to leave. I never did and never would!" He stammered. They were close to forgiving and I couldn't have that. I didn't want Lucy dead. I had more in store for him but I haven't finished my job yet.

"_Entry three of Lucius Malfoy_

_I WISH THAT THESE BITCHES AND BASTARDS WITH GET THE HELL OUT OF MANOR!" _I finished. Cissy and Bella pounced on him, grabbing his neck and Voldemort pointed his wand at him muttering curses under his breath making Lucy twitch and writhe.

"JENNNNNY! OOOOWWWW! MUMMY! MAKE THEM STOP! MAKE THEM STOP HURTING YOUR BABY BOY! WAAAAAAAHH! He cried as I ran out of the room to deposit the diary under his bed and retreat to my room

I could still hear shouts.

This is must be making the people he killed laugh. I am

HA!

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**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOX_**


	27. HARRY POTTER IN THE DUNGEONS!

_**Hey guys. I am updating at every available oppurtunity! I hope you guys like this chapter! I really liked the idea but can you guys tell me if you liked it too cause I wasnt and still am not too sure about it. ENJOY!**_

**Tell him you found Harry Potter**

I quickly brushed my hair into a rushed sort of style then I put some blush on to make it look like I was blushing and hot. I fixed my robes so they were askew then I ran out, shouting at Lucy.

He was the only one in the room so this was gonna work perfectly.  
"LUCY! HARRY POTTER IN THE DUNGEONS! CALL VOLDIE! HARRY POTTER IN THE DUNGEONS! CALL HIM! HE'S IN THERE, HE'S RIGHT IN THERE!" I screamed at him frantically, trying to hold my laugh in.

Lucy's head snapped up and he looked me right in the eye with those little mousy rat coloured things _he_ called eyes.

"What?" he snapped at me, his eyes gleaming

"I said"-

"I know what you said you little twat and now I SHALL BE ABLE TO CALL THE DARK LORD AND SAY I DID THE BRAVE TASK OF CAPTURING THIS BLASTARD POTTER BOY!" He shouted proudly and snobbishly, waving his arms around like a drunken man.

"Yeah – you – do – that" I choked out failing to keep my little giggle in.

"HA YES I SHALL DO IT NOW!" He yelled pulling up his cloak sleeve exposing a flabby, fatty arm with the Dark Mark stretched across.

"You're fat." I stated at him bluntly

"NO I'M NOT THE THOUGHT IS PROPOSTUROUS!" He yelled once again, then flexing his arm. I looked like muscle for half a second before turning into fattier flab. Lucy blushed like hell. Turning 5 shades of red.

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I laughed in his face unable to keep it in.

"SILENCE YOU TWAT I SHALL NOW CALL THE ONE AND ONLY, THE GREATEST, THE SMARTEST, THE ONLY HEIR OF THE GREAT SALAZAR"-

"_YAWN" _blah, blah, blah, blah, yeah we know get to the point fatty!" I yelled at him. He glared at me acidly.

"SLYTHERIN… THE DARK LORD!" He screamed pressing his forefinger to the ugly mark on his arm. There was a loud whip crack and then Voldie was standing right beside Lucy.

"You're gracious Dark Lord. I have some great news for you. I have found the Potter boy and I have him locked in the dungeons and hung him alive by his hands and feet!" Lucy said puffing out his chest, showing his moobs.

"Lucy I didn't know you had moobies but it looks like they are PRETTY big." I told him, grinning already. Lucy glared at me again, ready for a comeback

"Show me the boy Malfoy. I want to kill him!" Voldie hissed as if ready to kill Harry _and_ Lucy.

Lucy leaded Voldie through numerous passage ways and staircases with me on their tale. In a matter of minutes we were at the dungeons and of course Harry wasn't there.

"Was this some sort of joke Malfoy?" Voldie his sounding more snake like

"N-n-no s-s-sir J-j-jenny s-s-said he was h-here!" Lucy stuttered, his eyes widening with fear and shock.

"I thought you said you found the boy" Voldie hissed again

"Y-y-yes w-w-well y-you s-see"- Lucy tried badly to explain but Voldie cut him off

"NOBODY LIES TO LORD VOLDEMORT YOU LITTLE LYING BASTARD. YOU DRAGGED ME ALL THIS WAS FOR THIS! WHY YOU LITTLE!"- Voldie shouted, grabbing Lucy's neck and putting numerous jinxes and curses on him

"J-E-N-N-Y! THIS _GAG_ IS ALL YOU'RE _GAG_ FAULT! OWWWWEEEEEEE! _GAG_ JEEEEEEENNY!" He screamed at me as I lightly bounced away

"Got any proof?" I asked him but he was too gagged to answer.

"_GAAAAAG!" _He managed to get out.

"I'll take that as a no." I told him before taking my leave.

Lucy is _so_ gullible!

I'll use _that_ to my advantage

HA!

**_HEY GUYS AGAIN PLEASE REVIEW AND PLEASE TELL ME WHETHER YOU LIKED THIS IDEA OR NOT IT WOULD REALLY MAKE MY DAY SO PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW_**

**_THANKS_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOX_**


	28. Be his personal trainer

_**Hey guys whats up? I have had a bad case o writers block for this story but now I have a HUGE line of ideas for the story. Tell me what you think in a review please! Enjoy**_

**Become his personal trainer**

I reluctantly pulled the last sweatband over my head and walked out there in my training gear. A blue tank top, black short shorts, a blue sweatband on my head and one sweatband on each of my wrists. I swear couldn't they make sweatbands less… ugly?

I bounded into the kitchen where I found Lucy of course eating his daily supersized hotdog with jumbo chips and a large soda. It's quite disgusting. Like living with a pig. A supersized _jumbo_ pig.

"HEY LUCY YOU WANNA BE FIT AND HEALTHLY AND SKINNY LIKE YOU WERE… 30 YEARS AGO? IT SEEMS LIKE EXERCISE IS A FOREIGN LANGUAGE TO YOU BUT NOT ANYMORE!" I shouted. He looked up and glowered at me He obviously didn't like that 30 year thing and exercise being a foreign language to him. I mean he's lucky I didn't say forty cause he's u-gly.

"Go away and I _am _fit, healthy and skinny… and I'm barely pushing 30" He sneered. Psssssh, barely pushing 30. _Liar. _

"I DON'T CARE. AS YOUR PERSONAL ASSISTANT I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DOWN SIZE YOU SO GET UP AND IN FIVE MINUTES I WANT YOU OUT ON THE LAWN IN FULL TRAINING GEAR. OR ELSE!" I yelled at him like an army officer. Lucy glared at me again and then stuffed the rest of the chips and hotdog in his mouth. Gulped the rest of his soda down and walked upstairs to get dressed.

I walked out onto the lawn to check everything was there. Now I'm no fitness freak, people that are, are messed up in my opinion but I am fit, very fit.

Out in the yard I looked around. Two 50kg weights for Lucy. Two 15kg weights for me. One broken bicycle for Lucy. My new proper bike for me. One lane of magically enchanted slippery grass for Lucy. One lane of non-enchanted grass for me. As you can see I was going to have a lot of fun.

When Lucy came out 5mins later I started rolling around on the grass laughing my ass off.

He came out in a black tank top, that on him was skin tight and made his enormous belly spill out from it. His shorts were as short as mine revealing some of his baggy, fatty thighs and ginormous legs. Lucy described all this as_ muscle_ but it was undoubtedly the opposite.

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I laughed pointing my finger at him and rolling around on my back.

"What are you laughing at you little toad?" He hissed at me, looking around making sure no one else was looking in on this training session.

I swallowed the rest of my laugh and stood up. "Well Lucy it is time for you my… acquaintance to lose the mounds and mounds and pounds and pounds and tonnes and tonnes of fat you have stored up." I said dead seriously looking up at him. He just stared at me but I could see that he was trying to suck his stomach in.

"Okay first I think we should start with weight so we can at least turn _some_ of that fat into muscle." I told walking over to the weights. I had been very clever. Both sets of weights looked the same size so Lucy wouldn't know that mine was lighter.

Lucy tried to pick up his weights but soon his face went red and he started huffing and puffing. He discarded on weight and tried to lift one with both hands. I was easily able to pick up my weights. I lifted them high above my head leaving Lucy looking at me in awe.

"How did you… but their so heavy… your only 16… this makes no sense… I am the strongest person in this house!" He muttered, looking up at me.

'I don't understand why you can do it Lucy. A man of your age should be able to lift both in _one_ hand. It's easy. Look I can do it." I stated. Lucy blushed a violent shade of red.

I felt like falling back on the grass and resuming my laughter but I couldn't. I directed Lucy to the bikes. His bike hadn't been broken before but now that I had made some adjustments to it. It was. I punctured the front wheel and let half the air out so it would still looked normal and pumped up. Then I fixed the hole and voila! My bike was a sky blue patterned with greens lines curling and curving and intertwining all over. I pretty proud of it since it was _me_ that gave it its paint job.

I hopped on my bike and rode around the yard and full speed. Lucy hopped on his bike, pedalled two times and then the bike tipped and he fell flat on his side. He tried again and the same thing happened.

"Lucy I though you knew how to ride a bike? Do I have to go to the store and get you an oversized tricycle?" I asked him. He threw me a death glare before trying again but this time he landed on his face.

"Okay ummm… let's try running know eh?" I suggested. I walked to my lane and started running, way ahead of Lucy. He took one step and fell on his. When he got up again he had a bad nose bleed but he still tried again.

After a few tries he had no luck whatsoever. He resulted in lying on his flabby tummy and grabbing the grass in his hands, pulling himself up but he either uprooted the grass or slid out of his hands.

I ran past him once more "Come on Lucy you fat, fat man. Get off your bulging belly and start running!" I shouted at him.

"JEEEENNNNY! YOU IGNORANT LITTLE TWIT THE GRASS IS MAKING ME FALL DOWN AND IS GIVING ME BAD BOOBOOS!" He shouted, tears welling up in his eyes.

"It's not making me slip so get up and run like a man!" I shouted down at him immensely enjoying this. All I wanted to do was collapse on my bed and let the laughter roll through me but I wasn't done with Loony Lucy yet.

"COME ONE LOONY LUCY GET UP AND START RUNNING AND I ASSURE YOU THAT YOU WON'T SLIP AGAIN!" I shouted down at him.

He reluctantly stood and started running. Head right down and once he had gone two very fast steps he tripped, landing right on his head.

He sobbed like a baby for a couple of seconds before becoming unconscious; his ugly cry face etched into his face. I carefully stepped over him and then finally was able to let myself laugh. I laughed all the way up to my room and only stopped once I started to change into normal comfy clothes.

I should annoy Lucy like this more often. There was still shouting but WAY less than normal!

**_Come on guys PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! It would make my day!_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOX_**


	29. YOU MUST READ THIS

**YOU GUYS MUST READ THIS!**

_**Hey guys! I was just wandering because Jenny only has 1 friend in the Malfoy Manor (Cissy) do you think I should bring her best friend in to the story so that they could annoy Lucy together? I'll try make it twice as funny I promise if you guys want her!**_

_**BigBlackEyes**_

_**XOXOXOXOXOX**_


	30. Double Trouble

_**Hiya guys! I have decided to put in Jenny's best friend Taylor! I hope you guys like this chapter. I dont know if it as funny as the otherones cause I was just introducing Taylor but still I hope you guys like it! **_

**Double Trouble**

I was nearly jumping in excitement; my BFFL Taylor was coming today! I had to remain calm though cause Lucy didn't know yet. _He_ didn't know that Taylor was going to help me in my trouble making! HAHA!

I heard the front door literally blast open. Typical Taylor, always had to make a big entrance. Taylor was probably the more sensible one out of us two but she would make a great actress.

I squealed as I ran down the hall. "Tay! You're here! You don't know _how_ bad it is surrounded by weird dudes all the time!" I told her. She laughed and gave me a hug.

I dragged her out into the sitting room where Lucy was, sitting at his desk punching it violently. "I – NEED – A – JOB – STUPID – TWIT – JENNY – I – NEED – A – JOB!" He looked deranged. Taylor giggled softly.

"HEY LUCY TURN AROUND!" I shouted over his thumping. He growled well _he_ thought it must have been threatening but it just made me and Taylor giggle even more. He slowly turned around and glared at me.

"Who's that?" He snapped rudely, pointing at Taylor.

"It's rude to point Lucy and this is"- I said and waited for Taylor

"Taylor who is going to"- She said in the same tone as me

"Stay here for a while"-

"And keep me company"-

"So I don't get lonely". I finished up. Lucy's eyes widened in disbelief and his face became pasty and an even paler white than before. I stifled a laugh but Tay laughed out loud making his eyes turn to slits.

"You – mean – she's gonna stay here? And she'll help you do… what you do all day? His voice became squeaky and the end.

We both nodded at the exact time, setting Lucy off. I bet we looked pretty scary doing all this at the same time and finishing each other's sentences.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" He screamed, dropping to the floor and curling into a ball and sucking his thumb. "NO! NO! THIS CANT BE HAPPENING! IT'S A NIGHTMARE! YES… YES…! I CANT HAVE _TWO_ JENNY'S IN MY HOUSE! IT HAS TO BE A BAD DREAM… YES IT IS I KNOW IT IS!" He screamed at us.

I bent down and pinched him hard on the arm, making him weep. Taylor bent down and hovered just above his ear. "WELL WAKE UP PRINCESS!" She screamed in his ear. Lucy sat bolt upright nearly knocking heads with her. His eyes widened once more.

"NOOOOOOO! ITS NOT A DREAM! NOOO! NO!" He screamed at us once more. Me and Tay nodded in satisfaction and linked arms and walked down the hall to get her stuff. We didn't know that Lucy was following us.

"IS THAT MY DOOR?" He screamed looking down at his disintegrated door in horror. We both nodded in unison. Smiling widely .

"WHO DID THIS!" He yelled pulling his hair in chunks, _right_ of his scalp, leaving bald patches everywhere.

Taylor put up her hand proudly and twirled around on the spot. I just stood there a giggling heap. Taylor winked at me and grinned. Lucy started cursing her but she dodged every single one. I ran behind Lucy all sorts of different curses running through my head.

"CMON YOU FAT BALDY IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?" Taylor screamed at him, prancing around. This made Lucy even angrier. He threw down his wand and started punching and kicking. Tay dodged successfully but I could see she was getting tired.

"_TARANTALLEGRA_" I screamed, pointing my wand at Lucy. He screamed and then started dancing unwillingly. Taylor doubled up in laughter.

"JEEEEEEEENNNNNNNY! TAAAAAYYYYYLLLOOR!" He screamed, trying to snatch my wand of me.

"BYE BALD BARBIE! I HOPE KEN COMES, TAKES YOU AWAY AND KILLS YOU!" I yelled at Loony, looking back at him. He growled at me. I just laughed at him and linked arms with Tay and walked upstairs.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! JEEEENNNY! TAAAYYYYLLOR! YOU CANT LEAVE ME HERE DANCING! I'M GETTING TIRED! PLEEEAAAASSSSEEE! WAAAAAHHHHH!"

"Does he usually cry this much?" Tay asked me

"Pretty much."

"What a big fat baby"

**_PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! REIVEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOX_**


	31. IT'S FRIDAY

_**Hey guys! I have been mulling over whether or not to post this chapter for a long time but now I have. I hope you guys like Taylor just as much as Jenny! Enjoy and review**_

**IT'S FRIDAY**

Taylor has adjusted to our life at the Malfoy Manor pretty well and now she was ready to help me annoy Lucy. WHOOHOO!

"HERE COMES THE DARKEST EVILEST LORD IN THE WORLD!" Bellatrix shouted coming into the dining room on Voldie's arm, wearing a really tight dress probably _trying_ to make herself look alluring.

"You mean the darkest evilest lord wannabe? I mean he was defeated by a boy that hasn't even reached puberty yet." I said examining my nails, propping my legs up on the table. Everyone laughed, gaining a death glare from Voldie. Lucy sat opposite us, glaring. He thought Voldie was the _best_ person on the planet. I mean if Lucy had his way he would probably be gay with him.

Voldie sat down in his chair looking evil and all that "Well since it's Friday"-

Right on cue me and Taylor started singing, belting it out

"IT'S FRIDAY, FRDAY GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY EVERBODYS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND, WEEKEND. FRIDAY, FRIDAY GETTING DOWN ON FRIDAY EVERBODYS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND! PARTY N PARTY AND"-

"STOP! MY EARS ARE DYING FROM THE PUTRID SONG!" Lucy screamed at us banging his fist on the table, making them bleed

"Lucy I didn't know we were _that_ bad I'm hurt"- Taylor said, looking up at him with big eyes but she was cut off

"OOOOWWEEE! MY POOR KNUCKLES! DADDY'S SORRY FOR HURTING YOU BABY! OWWWEEEEE!" He screamed, leaping up from the table to get a bandage, but we followed.

"YESTERDAY WAS THURSDAY, THURSDAY"- Taylor sung

"TODAY IT IS FRIDAY, FRIDAY"- I sung into Lucy's ear

"WE, WE, WE SO EXCITED!"- We sung in unison "WE SO EXCITED WE GONNA HAVE A BALL TODAY!"-

"PLEASE, PLEASE STOP. MY BEAUTIFUL BABY SOFT EARS CANT TAKE IT. THERE ALREADY SO DAMAGED. DON'T HURT MY BABIES! JUST GO AWAY GO AWAY AND STOP SINGING THAT FREAKING SONG YOU WRETCHED GIRLS!"

"TOMMOROW IS SATURDAY AND SUNDAY COMES AFTERWARDS! I DON'T WANT THIS WEEKEND TO END!" I sung loudly

"ITS FRIDAY, FRIDAY GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY! EVERBODYS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND, WEEKEND FRIDAY, FRIDAY GETTING DOWN ON FRIDAY EVERBODIES LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND"-

"STOOOOP! DON'T YOU BLASTARD TWITCHY LITTLE MIDGETY GIRLS EVER GO AWAY?" He yelled at us.

"Nooo Loony…" Taylor said creeping up to him

"We'll never leave…." I said, creeping forward with Tay

"We're your destiny Fatso!" We finished together

"I'm a true seer Lucy. I have looked into the crystal orbs and into your mind. You secretly love both of us don't ya big guy? I've seen it. There is no use denying it Fatty!" I lied in mystical voice

"YOU LITTLE TWIT I DON'T BELIEVE YOU FOR A SECOND!" He shouted, trying to look nonchalant but he was clutching his head tightly on his hands as if that would keep me from seeing in his mind. HA!

"I AM NO LIAR LUCY. YOU NOW THAT!" I screamed. Tay started punching, his tubby tummy

"WE – WILL – NEVER – LEAVE – WE – WILL – NEVER – LEAVE!" She chanted.

"WHY YOU LITTLE BITCHES! I WILL BLAST YOU INTO NEXT MONTH! MAYBE FURTHER!" I saw Tay sneakily pull wand out from his holder and started twirling it around in her hands and walking back to stand by me.

"Somehow I don't think you'll be able to do that." I said dryly, looking up at him

"Without this" Tay said, grinning twirling the wand around. Lucy eyes widened

"How did you… but… stupid girls they… no they can't… god please help me!" He mumbled loudly, his eyes trained on his wand.

Me and Taylor then started playing throw the wand and as we threw it back and forth Loony's eyes followed it. Then I accidentally on purpose dropped the wand and stepped on it. I loved the satisfying sound it made.

"YOU BLASTARD BARNACLE HEAD! THAT IS THE THIRD WAND OF MINE THAT YOU HAVE DESTROYED! I SHALL KEEL YOU I HAVE TO KEEL YOU OR YOU WILL TURN MY LIFE INTO SNAPES! AN ENDLESS PIT OF SORROW AND GREASY HAIR!" He screamed. Me and Tay stifled a laugh.

He walked away from us, red in the face and mumbling a long line of profanities under his breath

"IT'S FRIDAY, FRIDAY GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY! EVERYBODIES LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND, WEEKEND. FRIDAY, FRIDAY GETTING DOWN ON FRIDAY! EVERYBODIES LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND! PARTY N PARTY N YEAH PARTY"- Me and Tay sung

"STOOOOP! I KILL YOU ALL THIS IS MY WORLD! MINE AND I WONT HAVE LITTLE BITCHES LIKE YOU INVADING IT!" He screamed, madly running towards us wildly. I was tired from the laughing though.

"BELLA! LUCY CALLED YOU FAT." We screamed and then we ran away giggling, leaving Lucy to his doom.

**_Cmon guys. REVIEWS will motivate me to write more chapters. Funnier chapters. So I NEED THOSE REVIEWS!  
Thanks_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOX_**


	32. Challenge him to a game of quidditch

_**Hi guys I hope you like this chapter! Please review!**_

**Challenge him to play Quidditch with you**

I geared up in my room with Tay. We were about to fly into the funniest Quidditch match of our lives. I strapped on my last shin pad, grabbed my Firebolt and walked downstairs with Tay, giggling as I went.

Lucy was pacing up and down the hall, deep in thought, his cloak straining against him. Me and Tay bounded up to him.

"Hey Lucy!" We said cheerfully, beaming.

"What do you want you little maggots?" He snapped at us

"What's stuck up _your_ ass grumpy?" I asked him, he sneered at me and ignored my question.

"We would like to challenge you to a game of Quidditch. Two on two." Taylor said all business like, looking up at him. His eyes lit up and his mouth twitched.

"Yes… Yes. I'll play you AND CREAM YOU HAHA! Oh and I can do it myself! Two on one! SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT NOW!" He shouted, starting to walk up the stairs mumbling under his breath.

"Yes… yes. They'll be crying when the games over… give them a piece of my mind… oh they'll be sorry for ever making me mad! HAHAHA!"

Two minutes he came back in tight green Quidditch robes, padded up and a novelty broomstick flung over his shoulder.

"Come on then!" He snapped at us. We hurried forward, biting our cheeks. Me and Tay had set up 3 hoops for the occasion in the yard.

We each picked up a bat, so did Lucy and then I released all the balls and flew up there. I trained my eyes on the bludgers and I searched for the snitch. Tay guarded the hoops.

Soon it was 40 – 0 to me and Tay. Lucy was blundering around hardly staying on his broom. I nearly fell off my broom laughing. Tay wasn't doing any better.

A bludger came towards me, right to my face. I flew back, aimed and smacked it right into Lucy's nose making it bleed uncontrollably.

"OOOOOWWW! MY NOSE! YOU LITTLE THING. I'LL SNAP YOUR NECK!" He shouted, while crying about his poor nose. He tried to hit the bludger back towards me but he missed by metres.

It swung around and flew towards Taylor. She swung her bat expertly and the bludger smashed right into his stomach.

"OOOOH!" He moaned, dropping the quaffle. I caught it just before it hit the ground. I quickly scored a goal and chased the bludger a great idea in my head.

I whacked the bludger and I grinned it accomplishment as it hit Lucy right in his nearly non-existent nuts (Cissy told me).

"OOOOH! OWWWW! OH GOD DAMN! MERLIN'S LOIN'S CLOTH! I THINK MY NUTS ARE BROKEN! SOMEONE CALL THE AMBULANCE!" He screamed, clutching his balls through his pants and spiralling towards the ground.

"MAYDAY! MAYDAY! CRASH LAND! HELP! HEEELP!" He screamed in terror hitting the ground with a loud THUD!

"God Lucy I didn't even know you _had_ nuts." Tay told him as we flew down

"BAHAHAHAHA!" I laughed not able to keep it in any longer.

With one hand (the other still clutching his balls) he smashed his broomstick in his hands… and then stared at what he had done and screamed.

"NOOOOO! MY CUSTOM MADE BROOM! IT COST 1200 GALLEONS! WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

"You've smashed your broom." I stated bluntly, Tay was giggling too much to talk. Lucy was crying too much to reply.

"MY BROOM! MY POOR DEAD BROOM! WAAAAH!" He cried, tears streaming down his face.

"Man up girlie!" Tay shouted kicking him in the shin.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! IF YOU HADNT CHALLENGED ME TO THE GAME! IF YOU WEREN'T SO GOOD AT QUIDDITCH! WHY ARE YOU THAT GOOD? IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! ALL YOUR FAULT! SUCK IT! IT'S YOUR FAULT I BROKE MY BROOM AND MY BALLS!" He exploded, pointing at us, his eyes bugging out of his head and his face turning a deep shade of violet, jumping up and down on the spot, his robes splitting at the seams.

"BAHAHAHAHA!" Me and Tay laughed, clutching our ribs.

Lucy was fuming. I swear I could I see smoke coming out his ears and nose.

"You little toads I'll get you one day! But not now I need to go to the hospital. I'm sure it's broken! The little rats! I'll get them. I CREAM them!" He mumbled, waddling away, his hands in between his legs and his hair tangled and full of twigs and leaves.

I sneaked around and picked up the broomstick. Tay grinned. I laughed at Lucy's stupidity and I walked upstairs with Tay to repair it.

**_Please guys I need to know what you guys think about this story so I can make it better so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! Thankyou!_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOX_**


	33. Follow him everywhere

_**Hiya guys! I have nothing else to do on the computer at the moment so I'll be updating nearly everyday if I can. I'm going back to school 2morrow so hopefully I dont get that much homework. Enjoy!**_

**Follow him everywhere (except the bathroom)**

Lucy really did go to the hospital and two days later he came back boasting that he had a cast on his erm… _banana_ like it was the _best_ thing in the world but it just left me and Tay in stitches.

Me and Tay were nice enough to let him settle in before we started our antics.

He had just cracked open a butter beer and sat down on the couch when we walked up to him.

"Hey Lucy!" We said simultaneously, rocking back and forward on our heels, our hands behind our back.

"What do you want?" He asked, his eyes trained on the T.V

"Nothing!" We said together, our grins getting bigger.

"Well then GO AWAY!" He shouted at us, spilling his beer all down his cloak. "Now look what you made me do… little pieces of unicorn turd." He said, getting up and walking towards the kitchen, his face slightly reddening. As he walked away we of course followed him.

He pulled liberal amounts of paper towel of the rack and started mopping himself up.

"Hey Lucy!" We said cheerfully, right behind him

"AHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed all high pitched like a girl, his arms above his head with clumps off went paper towel in his hands. "Oh it's you" He gasped, breathing deeply, one hand on his heart.

He started to walk upstairs and we followed him but then he went into the bathroom and a problem occurred.

"Oh I'm not going in _there. _Imagine essence of _Lucy_" I told Tay walking down the hall and waiting just beside the bathroom.

"Me neither. Tell me who I _would_ go in there with _him_." She said with attitude making me giggle and then came to stand beside me. I heard the lock click in the bathroom. Lucy was coming out.

"Oh my god it's hard to pee with that damn cast"-

"HEY LUCY!" We shouted, biting our cheeks to stop us from laughing out loud.

"WHAT ARE YOU…? WHY ARE YOU…? I WENT TO THE FUCKING BATHROOM FOR GODS SAKE! I NEED MY OWN FUCKING PRIVACY SO LEAVE ME ALONE!" He screamed at us, his face turning magenta. Of course we wouldn't leave him alone! How stupid of him!

So we followed him down the stairs being as quiet as we could otherwise the whole point of this tailing thing would be useless.

He nearly ran down the hall, his smelly robes flapping in our faces, a wide grin grew over his face.

He opened the door and screamed in happiness at the box that was sitting on his doormat.

"OH MR EVIL WICKIMMS 2 I'M SOOOO HAPPY YOU MADE YOUR WAY OVER HERE!" He screamed, jumping on the spot as he opened the box revealing a remake of his old teddy bear. He then picked it up and started snogging anywhere he could find on its face.

"God get a room!" Tay whispered making me stifle a laugh. Then my mind lit up. Ooooh! This was gonna be GOOD!

"Mr Evil Wickimms 2? Ooooh! I want it!" I said like a little fan girl and successfully made a grab for it winking at Tay.

"NO!" Lucy cried making useless grabs at it.

"No! It should be mine!" Tay said crossly, grabbing it's arm and pulling, winking back and me.

"NO!" I said pulling it towards me.

"YES!" She said pulling it towards her.

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"Y"-

"NOOOOO! YOU'LL BREAK HIM! STOP! STOP! MY LITTLE TEDDY BEAR! YOU'LL BREAK HIM! WAAAAH!" He cried looking at us fighting for the bear (although both of us didn't want something that has Lucy disease on it.) Then I heard the loud RIP that me and Tay had been waiting for. We grinned at each other… Lucy… not so much.

"NOOOO! MEDICAL EMERGENCY! MEDICAL EMERGENCY! WHO KNOWS CPR! MEEEDDDICCCAL EMMMERGGGEEENNCCY BITCHES! HELP ME BITCHES! EMERGENCY! PLEEEEAAASE! WAAAAH! MR EVIL WICKIMMS! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING! STAY WITH ME! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME! COME ON BITCHES! WE ARE ABOUT TO LOSE A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON!" He cried, tears dripping onto his teddy.

"You mean an evil teddy that you snogged?" I asked bluntly, looking down at him.

"COME ON DUDE HE WAS NEVER ALIVE ANYWAY!" Tay shouted at him

"HE'S A FUCKING TEDDY!" I screamed at him

"NO HE WASN'T HE WAS MY BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD! I WAS ABOUT TO PROPOSE TO HIM! I HAD THE WEDDING ALL PLANNED OUT IN MY DREAMS!" He screamed at us, crying harder.

"Dude listen to yourself YOUR GOING TO GO GAY ON A TEDDY! YOU WANT TO MARRY A TEDDY!" I yelled in his ear

"I never said that!" He said suddenly composing himself.

"Yes you did"

"No I didn't"

"Yes"

"No"

"YES! YOU PIECE OF TEDDY MARRYING POO!"

"YOU LITTLE… ARRRGGGH!" He shouted, his arms out stretched as he started to chase me

"_LOCOMOTOR MORTIS!"_ Tay screamed, pointing her wand at Lucy's legs.

"ARRGGGH! OWWWW! YOU LITTLE MIDGETS!" He screamed falling flat on his face, trying to move his legs but they were stuck together.

"BAHAHAHAHA!" I laughed looking at him. His fat bum in the air and his face scrubbing the floor.

"I hope you get the stains out!" Me and Tay said at the same time, linking arms and spluttering as we walked up the stairs.

Isn't magic just a gift from the gods?

**_You guys know what to do now!_**

**_What you dont?_**

**_Well it's REVIEWING!_**

**_Thankyou SO much_**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOX_**


	34. HOT! HOT! HOT!

_**Hi guys! I have finally updated! For some reason it took me along time to get this one right. nerdypants14 this chapter is dedicated to you for giving me inspiration. Thankyou guys! Enjoy and please review!**_

**Give him spicy food**

Lucy was still sulking and mourning his late Mr Evil Wickimms 2. He sat in front of the TV eating whole tubs of ice cream at a time and then spewing it all up.

I hid in the kitchen with Tay, watching Lucy. She gave me the signal so I walked out and strode towards Lucy. As while I was walking towards him he burst into tears.

"WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! MR EVIL WICKIMMS! WAAAAHHH!" He cried, his face red and snot running stickily down his now very chubby and full of ice cream face.

"Gee Lucy isn't it supposed to be the _girls_ going through the whole crying and eating ice cream stuff. Is there something you aren't telling us?" I asked him totally serious. He looked up at me, is eyes still watery and red but I could still make out the deathly glare he was looking at me with.

"I am not a girl. I am going through a very manly stage of mourning." He said, trying to stay dignified

"Dude. How can mourning a teddy bear be manly?" I asked him. He glared at me once more and just as he was grabbing for his wand Tay bounded in with the ummm… _very_ spicy dish I prepared earlier. It was uhhh… basically butter chicken with 5 whole red 20cm chillies so it was more than just _very_ spicy.

"Awwwww Lucy turn that ummm… cry face upside down and eat the meal we made you. Just as nice as ice cream but WAAAAAY healthier." She said cheerily, seating the plate in front of him and taking away the ice cream. He inhaled the scent and without as much as saying _thank you_ he dug in. He heaped his first bite on the _very_ big spoon he gave him and gulped it down without chewing.

His face immediately turned red but he heaped another bite on his spoon and gulped it down just like the first. He started to pant loudly. He reached around for his ice cream tub and his eyes widened as he saw it gripped in Tay's hands. He looked at both of us and gulped, his adams apple bobbing up and down.

He looked back at his food and took two more bites before biting into a wad of chilli that I embedded in the middle of the dish.

"OOOOOH! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! OWWWWWEEEE! HOT! HOT! HOT!" He shouted, fanning his mouth frantically with his hand.

"We told you it was healthier Lucy! You're giving your lungs quite the workout!" I said cheerfully me and Tay biting back our giggles.

Lucy's eyes were bugging out of his head and his face was a deep red. His tongue was sticking comically out of his mouth and both his hands were fanning it. His eyes filled with a bubbling rage and anger.

"HOW IS BLOWING UP MY MOUTH HEALTHY?" He screamed at us reaching frantically for the ice cream.

"It's uh… blowing up all the germs in your mouth?" Tay said looking straight at him

"THERE ARE NO GERMS IN MY MOUTH NOW PUT OUT FUCKING FIRE IN MY MOUTH! GIVE ME MY ICE CREAM! I NEED MY ICE CREAM TO PUT OUT THE FIRE! IT BUUUURRRRNNNNS! NOW GIVE ME MY ICE CREAM BITCHES! I NEED IT! I WISH I HAD MR EVIL WICKIMMS WAAAHHH! GIIIVVVEE MEEEEE MYYYY ICCEEE CRRREEEAAAAM!" He cried, tears streaming down his face and down his neck, looking even worse than when I first saw him. I grabbed one side of the ice cream and winked at Tay. She grinned mischievously at and gripping the other side and then together we plunged it into his face.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! OOOOOHHHH! YEEEES! THAT'S MUUUUCH BETTER!" He sighed. The ice cream tub sticking to his face and slowly falling off leaving large chunks all over his face. He pushed all the ice cream into his mouth and when he was done he ran at us.

"YOU FUCKING LITTLE WEASLES I'LL THROTTLE YOU AND DROWN YOU AND CUT YOU UP AND KILL YOU AND THEN PUT YOU BACK TOGETHER AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN! HOW DARE YOU BLOW UP MY KISSING MACHINE!"

"Well that's a _good_ thing isn't it Lucy? I mean who wants to kiss you?" Tay said pointedly. I thought his face was going to blow up the way he was puffing but he picked up his remaining dinner and started flinging it at us.

"MWAHAHAHAHA! HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR DINNER NOW BITCHES – ACCCK! GASP! CHOKE! AACCCK!" He choked cause I expertly flung a handful of food in his fat fly catching mouth.

He fell to the floor in mid rant. Tay ran over to him and picked up the plate then dropped in on his cushiony head.

The plate shattered in two on contact with his head.

"Jeeeennnnnyyyy… Tayyyyyllllooorrr… little bitches." Before falling unconscious.

**_So guys what do you think of this chapter? My mum was just cooking and her food can be REAL spicy and it gave me this idea. I hope you all liked it! Now please you all know what to do and if you don't then please REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!_**

**_Love _**

**_BigBlackEyes_**

**_XOXOXOXOXOX_**


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